Home again

Hello readers! You might notice things have been a little quiet around here for the past 6 months. YIKES! Well, not to make excuses, but here are my excuses. I'm hoping to be a bit more active around here, since I miss my little world in the blogiverse.

I'm still working full-time (and really coming into my own there!), and I have begun attending night school on my way to a MA in women's studies. Although night school is part-time, it takes up a good deal of my time with lots of reading, writing, discussing, and presenting. Add in something of a social/familial life, and you have an unbelievably busy and sleep deprived revel. (And you thought sleep deprivation ended with undergrad!) Between all that I'm learning in the non-profit world and at graduate school, I feel like my mind will be expanding so much it'll be all the way around the world by the time I have that diploma!

That said, I certainly will be back to update you all with my revelings, rantings, and reckonings. I just didn't want to leave you all in the dust wondering where I went! Happy 2011 y'all! It's 4 years of Revel Productions!

I went down to the crossroads...

It feels weird, so weird right now.

I guess I feel like I'm in between, not in college anymore and with four months before graduate school begins. I am looking forward to grad school. Even if I have to commute for a little bit, I'll still be in the academic setting with tons to do, which I love and miss right now. I'm not bored, but it's really hard to acclimate to being at home.

Yesterday, I woke up at 8 (early, I know), and my first thought was, "Okay, time for history class!" Then I went to go review my Fem Maj notes, taking care not to wake my roommate...and then it hit me. I no longer have a roommate, I no longer am at school, and I have no class or extracurriculars to go to. And I am no longer on my cluster's board or work in the res hall library or work with RCS.

What's a revel to do?

I think I'll finish unpacking and then email Joe or Wendy at LaCASA to see if they can use me. They'll be happy to see me again, even if I am no longer an intern like I was last summer. The fundraiser is coming up in June, so they probably need all advocates on deck. And I am seeing the Nine Inch Nails next week, which is sure to be extremely entertaining. Looks like a decent, albeit long, summer before the next phase of my education. One school, two departments, two degrees, three years. I think I can handle it.

Post-spring-break blues

One of you calls for me, the other one calls more.
You're both trying to impress me, I've seen this stuff before.
Sometimes attention's rather fun, if I desire it from you,
But when it's doubled up, then my heart is ripped in two.

Oh why oh why must you BOTH torture me so?
I really should speak up, but how? I don't know.
You two have got me in a mess, and I'm totally confused.
Sooner or later I've gotta pick just one of you.

I must've been bowled over when I saw you the first time,
I knew I had to have you, but I couldn't make up my mind.
Anyway, I courted you, I sent my appeals in your direction.
Leaving my uncertain fate up to your discretion.

How'd I know that you would return my ardor?
How'd I know that there'd be two of you?
One is north of me, one is south of me,
And I don't know what I'm going to do!

The fate of my life next year is totally on the line.
I'm usually so clear and calm, but I can't make up my mind.
I love competition, but this is all too much for me so,
Can somebody please help me pick where I'm supposed to go?

Hey hey readers! Well, this ain't no "Shall I compare thee" like earlier in the year, but what's a girl to do when she can't make up her mind? Some say the more the merrier, but I am not sure how merry I am when I can't pick between TWO options. Out of my six offers for grad school, I am really stuck between two of them. And although the application process is over and done, the selection is majorly kicking my butt! I am SO not looking forward to the deadline. This is probably going to turn out like a rehash of my senior year of high school; making that decision with less than a week before the deadline. I'm going to go sign off now and try not to pull out too much of my hair in the process...

Whew

Well...I suppose I won't be missing the entire conference. One of my history friends was talking to me today and happened to ask, "Hey, are you going to that symposium this weekend?" I was all set to lament the unfairness that I wouldn't be able to, when he told me that there'd be some talks on Friday as well. So I will be going to a workshop called "The Sovereign Female," which is about women in monarchies (all too often, we hear about the kings of certain countries, so female rulers should be interesting) and another called "Envisioning the New Woman" which is about turn-of-the-century feminism.

So it's not so unfair after all.

I have just emailed every LAS department advisor/registered student organization/Greek organization/cooperative on this whole darn campus about Sex Out Loud. If that doesn't get the fair a lot of visitors, then I don't know what will. DoMonique has made a Facebook event, and the other Feminists have worked their magic on the classrooms. This had better bring in the visitors on Tuesday.

The unfairness of it all

Shakespeare once said that every sigh costs the heart a drop of blood. Well, right now I am in need of a humongous transfusion...

So there's a Really Big Fat GWS Conference going on tomorrow (a Graduate Symposium, to be exact) RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY PLACE.

And guess who is missing most of to all of it?

That's right, yours truly. How unfair can that get??? Damn class and work! I mean, I know some folks skip class all the time, but I'm not the type to do that. (Stupid ethics!!) WHY must the Really Big Fat GWS Conference be that day? Why can't they do it Friday (yes, I know it's Unofficial, but I'd rather be with Feminists than drunks)? Or some other day? Loads and loads of feminist topics and speeches and I won't get to see them!!! The unfairness of it all!!!! That is worse than last year, when U of I hosted the gay conference. I felt bad about not seeing Angela Davis and missing most of the workshops, but at least I attended two. And I was in the Vagina Monologues, so I was the "entertainment" for it. The thing is, I got to partake in and be part of one of the attractions for the gay conference. And it was on a weekend, when no one had classes. This is worse! WHY couldn't they have done it on a weekend? Or any other day but that?

Okay, I know I am whining, but it's just not fair. I love conferences, and I am not particularly thrilled about missing this huge one. Oh well. I am presenting at another one in April, though. It's more of a history conference than a GWS one, but I like history too. EVEN STILL...I am NOT at all pleased about missing that big conference tomorrow.

Walkin' on sunshine, whoooah, and don't it feel good!

There is little that is more exciting than getting an acceptance letter from a school that you would like to go to! I hope the remaining seven are just as positive and that the one rogue program that didn't take this "applicant" will be left high and dry with no Alex. The acceptance I received yesterday even spelled my name right and addressed me by name. Much nicer than "Dear Applicant," that's for sure! So I went out and celebrated with my feminists DoMonique, Jason, Gebler, and Joantine yesterday and have pretty much been walking on air.

Today's the last play practice before dress rehearsal. I'm excited about being in a piece about the dominatrix with two other great actresses. (But an open note to all, since I have been asked this question many times. My piece might be about a dominatrix, but I AM NOT A REAL ONE!! I am NOT for hire!!! And neither are the other two women, for that matter. So get that thought out of your head and your mind out of the toilet!) I like doing all those crazy moans; my favorites are the Diva Moan and the Machine-Gun Moan. Ever wondered what they sound like? Then hie thee hence to the Vagina Monologues. It's my fourth year in the play!

Then once the play is done, I will be working on Sex Out Loud health fair with my Feminists and helping to put together the Boneyard festival. I love both dearly. The Sex Out Loud fair will be bigger and better than last year's, and four groups (Ladies Loving Ladies, Students for Choice, YWCA, and Colors of Pride) will be making their debut there. I just hope that we get lots of good publicity and lots of visitors to see the different groups. For the Boneyard, my gallery (Healing Works, the best one) relocated from the African American Center to the Women's Resource Center. I wonder what they'll put in the now-empty cultural house. I know that all the cultural houses do something for the festival, so they're sure to think of something good. My folks are coming down on the third night, and I can't wait to share the festival with them.

This is shaping up to be a perfect end of the semester.

My name is not "Applicant."

One down, eight more to go by the end of March.

Hopefully those eight have better results than this one. Sigh. I was really liking that program, but I guess with a record number of admissions, it would be tough to be the one out of goodness-knows-how-many applicants that actually got in. It's so competitive. And their disorganization kind of bothered me from the beginning.

Note to other schools and programs, though. I have a name, and it is not "Applicant." Got it? Good.

True love, you can't buy it

Ran through my presentation for my conference yesterday. It is good, but waaay too long! I have to shave about ten to fifteen minutes off of it or else run the risk of crowding out the other speakers. We did a mock conference yesterday with the GWS and AAS (that's Gender/Women's Studies and Asian American Studies) people, where we practiced our speeches and prepared for questions the audience might have. The other ten presenters and I all are looking forward to our capstone conference on Monday (or as we like to call it, Our Big Fat Undergrad Conference).

Made me realize how enamored I am with the study of feminist scholarship and women's studies. It sounds silly, to be this enthralled with an inanimate program of study, but I just get such a rush out of debating gender norms, challenging standards, and looking at the perspectives of marginalized groups. I just can't get over it. Hell, when one of my friends called me today to ask what I was up to, I responded, "Oh, just fighting hegemony and smashing the patriarchy. And you?" It was partially meant to be facetious, since I'm the one who got him interested in feminism, and partially true (I'd been practicing for the conference). But I love it so much. That's why I'm applying to get my M.A. in it (hopefully!) or my Ph.D. in Women's History. If I could get something beyond an M.A. (like a Ph.D. or if I thought I'd be good at social work, an M.S.W.) I so would. I could see myself spending years and years on it and not having much of an issue with the amount of time. But most colleges don't offer much beyond a bachelor's in it. Three colleges I'm applying to will give me an M.A. if I am accepted. And hopefully they will take me (fingers crossed). Sadly, my school does not offer anything beyond a bachelor's degree in GWS. I wish it did. I would go the full way with it if they did offer that.

Wow, I just realized I sound like some silly fangirl or like I was talking about a person. But this is one thing that just will not go gently into that dark night. I need more. So much more.

And if you're in the area, please come to my Conference on Monday! I think I'm one of the first ones to present. Yes, my paper is about crisis intervention (another passion of mine), not the happiest topic, but it's gonna totally rock! And the other papers deal with all kinds of neat topics: online gaming, theme parties, gay rights, anarchy, the concept of white trash, childbirth, natural disasters, and prisons. Lots of topics for everyone's tastes.

Everything's changing now...

We get a new treasurer for Fem Maj in the spring. We'll miss you, Christine!

There is a new director of advocacy, and she is...the vice director! Surprise!

General Eccentric, Moonstruck, Bar Giuliani, and Garcia's have all closed or will close for good.

Wow.

Although one thing has not changed.

The grad school process is STILL kicking my butt! If this keeps up, I'll go certifiably insane!

I'll let the band say how I feel...

Helter Skelter

When I get to the bottom, I go back to the top of the slide,
Then I stop, and I turn, and I go for the ride.
When I'm back at the bottom, then I see you again!
Yeah yeah yeah
Do you, don't you want me to love you?
I'm coming down fast, but I'm miles above you.
Tell me, tell me, tell me, come on tell the answer.
You may be my lover, but you ain't no dancer.
Look out!
Helter skelter
Helter skelter
Helter skelter
Yeah Yeah
Will you, won't you want me to make you?
I'm coming down fast, so don't let me break you.
Tell me, tell me, tell me the answer!
Well, you may be my lover, but you ain't no dancer.
Helter skelter
Helter skelter
Helter skelter
LOOK OUT!!
When I get to the bottom, I go back to the top of the slide,
Then I stop, and I turn, and I go for the ride.
Then I'm back at the bottom, then I see you again!
Yeah yeah yeah
Do you, don't you want me to make you?
I'm coming down fast, but don't let me break you.
Tell me, tell me, tell me the answer!
Well, you may be my lover, but you ain't no dancer.
Helter skelter
Helter skelter
Helter skelter
Yeah!

--John Lennon/Paul McCartney



What is finals week/grad school apps/conference doing to me? I think this is how I feel. Just going from the bottom back to the top and doing it all over again! All I do is write! I write and write and write! And then I write some more! I'm probably deforesting some humongous rainforest as we speak--so much for "Going Green," huh? I need a break, otherwise I think I'm gonna go nuts before my conference!
---
But I will not crack. Alex does not crack easily. She might tear out her hair and blast the loud music, but she does not crack. Mark my words, I'm gonna take all this writing and make it the best I've ever done, even if it kills me! Prepare for no sleep and excessive amounts of caffeine, I'm kicking this time's puny little @$&! GWS majors wrote the book on the ancient art of ass-kickery. If we can dismantle the patriarchy and fight hegemony, then mark my words, some apps and essays should be nothing new. I might go insane, but I'm gonna rock this thing like it's never been rocked before!

It'll learn ya way better than in school

The grad school process is royally kicking my butt.

I don't think it has all that much to do with me. I can whip up a cover letter that can melt the hearts of the heartless. I can scrounge up some references (I have three so far) that will sing my praises. My GPA is good, and my GRE scores are pretty kick-@$&. And my involvement is pretty enviable (three leadership positions, three committees, and a play! woo for me!).

Then what is my problem?

First I went to a lunch-and-learn at the African American Cultural Center about living on one's own. Later tonight, I was leading a Fem Maj meeting today and talking with my lovely members (I love this year's crop of feminists!!!), and three of them are in grad school. This year, we've upped the freshman, grad schooler, and male involvement. I love being the president of such a cool group! And all those grad students were giving me tips on how to survive and all were being sweet..."Oh Alex, I know you will get in" and the like. But I am royally getting nervous. I'm normally pretty darn confident...but it's the anticipation that's making me nuts. I have to send off all those letters/applications and wait and wait and wait and then see what happens. Yes, I have all the creds. But there are people out there with EVEN MORE CREDS. What then? One of my RCSers, who is one of the smartest women I know, got WAITLISTED for a sociology program last year. I am nowhere near as smart as she is, and she has TONS more experience than me (keep in mind she is also in her 40s and is a pretty high-ranking advocate). What do I do if that happens? If they can turn HER down, what about me?

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that once those applications are out, I have no control over what they do next. I hate having no control. These next couple of weeks where I will be getting those applications out is going to make me wonder if this is hell and what I am doing in an Alex-sized handbasket.

Shall I compare thee to a grad school search?

To PhD or not to PhD?
That is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of five-plus years of grad school.
Or to take arms against this binding commitment, and by going for an MA, end it.
To go for MA, two years and no more, and by two years to say we avoid
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
That doctoral students are heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To go for MA, perchance to continue on.
Ay, there's the rub. For in that MA program, what possibilities may come
When we have finished our graduate thesis and may give us cause to continue.
There's the respect that eases the calamity of so long a study.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The professor's grades, the undergrads' inexperience,
The pangs of writing a dissertation, the committee's delay,
The difficulties of Higher Learning, and the spurns
That patient merit of the postgraduate takes
When she herself might her doctorate make
With a few more years? What would MA students do
To grunt and sweat under a weary load,
But that the dread of something after graduation,
That undiscovered country from whose bourne
Few return successful, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear the academic track that we have
Than fly to another that we know not of.
Thus indecision makes cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of going for an MA
Is sicklied o'er with the allure of the PhD.
And enterprises of great pith and moment,
With this regard their currents turn away
And lose the name of action.

But soft you now, the fair admissions office.
In thy judgments be all my accomplishments remembered.

---

Graduate school had better be worth all this.