I went to the American Historical Association's conference in January. Tremendous event with some truly amazing plenary sessions and a very empowering movie screening at the end. I really learned a lot about all aspects of social history (as that is my area of specialty) and saw some speakers who completely exceeded my expectations. At a screening of the new LGBTQ history documentary (see it if you get the chance!), On These Shoulders We Stand, I met three community college professors from Virginia. We sat together and talked before and after the film, and I saw two of them at a panel the next day. The three professors, Sarah, Anna, and Phylicia, were in their early to mid 40's and informed me that they had been friends since graduate school. So if you think about it, that's about 20 years of friendship! They said they went to conferences together and really got to experience a lot of the country this way. I could tell that they were having a great time exploring Chicago and what each other brought to the conference.
I didn't get their business cards, but their mention of being college friends really hit home for me. I have a lot of friends from undergrad and would absolutely love it if we remained close for as long as these ladies have. Plus, how cool would it be to travel together? All three women had spouses or partners, but they all made time to spend together at the conferences. They seemed to really enjoy one another's company.
This then got me thinking to how female friendship is often really trivialized or erased by the popular culture. (Male and female friends, which also seem to be erased, will be the subject of another blog post.) With the exception of Bridesmaids, many of the current films out aren't exactly focused on female friendships and the ones that do feature the women as competing for some man. That's really unfortunate because it doesn't reflect the reality of how many women are (we are not all in competition with each other!) and portrays the friendship as just a small matter before they "settle down" with someone. Sarah, Anna, and Phylicia all had spouses, but they didn't seem to treat their friendship as though it was just supplementary. Sarah, the most outgoing of the three, jokingly told me, "This gives our better halves the chance to have the house to themselves, so they're not complaining." Phylicia dryly added that if the three of them could survive doctoral exams, they could survive three days of travel together. (Allison Bechdel would be proud, I'm sure.) I love that attitude!
Maybe popular culture and the mass media could take a lesson from Sarah, Phylicia, and Anna's example. The profs could so teach 'em better than school. These are real women with real lived experiences, not some Hollywood fabrication.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Friday, January 27, 2012
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Friends are NOT accessories!!
Readers, I am going to draw your attention to a phrase I've been hearing quite often that is really starting to sound just like nails on a chalkboard. Have you ever heard someone make an unbelievably bigoted remark about [insert minority group of any sort here]? Sure, you have. Bigots are unfortunately everywhere. Then, when you call the bigot on the inappropriateness of that comment, his or her first response is pretty much universal:
I didn't mean it that way! I have lots of [insert minority group of any sort here] friends!
Honestly, it's just ridiculous! I have heard it so much that I have begun to take the first words someone says about their Black or Hispanic or female or LGBT or Asian (or any other group they were previously disparaging) "friends" as a warning sign that they might be a bigot. Because no one who is truly open-minded or an ally would say that. You know why? Because they wouldn't make disparaging comments in the first place, and they would have those friends around them in the first place. Those folks who talk about their little rainbow coalition of buddies? I highly doubt they even have one minority they consider a friend. If their attitude is so prejudiced, I don't think that (a) any member of that group could stand them and (b) they would want any member of that group around them. I just don't believe they do.
Friends are NOT accessories. They are NOT there for you to put on display of "proof" of how awesome and open-minded and tolerant you supposedly are, when your actions are say the exact opposite. Actions speak louder than words. They are NOT for you to show off because it's supposedly going to make you look good. Treating someone as an accessory, as something that's not even human, is just as bad as being outright against them for their identity. In both cases, you've denied their humanity and made them into what you assume them to be.
I have a lot of different kinds of friends. Many don't look, talk, or act anything like me. And I like that. But you know one of the many reasons why we are close? Because we don't treat each other like accessories! We don't act like those friendships are simply there to make us look good, and we know that a relationship is a give and take. I'm not saying that race or gender or orientation or religion is something I don't notice. I do notice aspects of someone's identity. In fact, I do think identity matters in my friendships in the sense that anyone who mistreats my friends because of their identity WILL be faced with my wrath! We treat each other like the awesome folks we are.
I didn't mean it that way! I have lots of [insert minority group of any sort here] friends!
Honestly, it's just ridiculous! I have heard it so much that I have begun to take the first words someone says about their Black or Hispanic or female or LGBT or Asian (or any other group they were previously disparaging) "friends" as a warning sign that they might be a bigot. Because no one who is truly open-minded or an ally would say that. You know why? Because they wouldn't make disparaging comments in the first place, and they would have those friends around them in the first place. Those folks who talk about their little rainbow coalition of buddies? I highly doubt they even have one minority they consider a friend. If their attitude is so prejudiced, I don't think that (a) any member of that group could stand them and (b) they would want any member of that group around them. I just don't believe they do.
Friends are NOT accessories. They are NOT there for you to put on display of "proof" of how awesome and open-minded and tolerant you supposedly are, when your actions are say the exact opposite. Actions speak louder than words. They are NOT for you to show off because it's supposedly going to make you look good. Treating someone as an accessory, as something that's not even human, is just as bad as being outright against them for their identity. In both cases, you've denied their humanity and made them into what you assume them to be.
I have a lot of different kinds of friends. Many don't look, talk, or act anything like me. And I like that. But you know one of the many reasons why we are close? Because we don't treat each other like accessories! We don't act like those friendships are simply there to make us look good, and we know that a relationship is a give and take. I'm not saying that race or gender or orientation or religion is something I don't notice. I do notice aspects of someone's identity. In fact, I do think identity matters in my friendships in the sense that anyone who mistreats my friends because of their identity WILL be faced with my wrath! We treat each other like the awesome folks we are.
Monday, February 2, 2009
What's cookin at the Beat Kitchen?
Take some funky grooves, solid strong vocals, a ten-piece band, horns, and a seriously modern twist on classic R&B...
And you have the recipe for the perfect weekend band!
Meet the Beat Kitchen. They're ten folks from Champaign-Urbana (there is also a restaurant in Chytown with that name, but this article isn't about them), and can they play! They play some R&B/funk with some solid, danceable grooves, and their songs get everybody up and dancing. Most of the songs are originals, but they've been known to do a funkified cover or two (think an R&B cover of Radiohead's "Karma Police" for starters!). My friend DoMonique and I went to see them, and their worldbeat co-headliner Mhondoro, this Saturday. We were in for a fabulous double act, as both groups did not disappoint. They just kept us dancing and singing along, and the crowd in the whole bar, the Iron Post, was on its feet. I've liked R&B for a while now, but this only cemented my love for it. This band really knew how to work a crowd while also staying soulful and emotive. And that singer has a terrific set of pipes! He has a big deep voice, with a wide range for a guy.
The rhythm and blues crowd also knows how to behave, think the manners of the folk crowd mixed with the good exuberance of the rock one. Sure, the Iron Post was crowded and a small venue. But, there was no shoving, moshing, feeling-up when you don't want to be felt up, or creepies being creepy like I've seen at other shows. The fans behave, but that doesn't mean they can't get excited and energized. And their dancing is so much fun. You don't have to know any particular steps or anything, but rather to find your own groove. Some folks were doing West African style dancing to Mhondoro, since that group does have Zimbabwean and Guinea influences, but the rest of us were simply doing what we liked. Our friends Jane and Megan, who are more into social dances with lots of rules and steps (Megan's been known to ballroom and swing dance during punk shows--and pull it off), also could find their groove. It wasn't hard at all.
Only drawback is that the "comfortable" boots we both had on turned out to be not so comfortable after dancing for four hours straight! The bus ride we took to IHOP and then back home provided a welcome opportunity to sit down for once that night! Definitely a fantastic night and show, and one to hopefully be repeated!
And if you would like to cook up some grooves at the Beat Kitchen, hie thee hence to http://www.myspace.com/beatkitchenfunk, and find out when you can see them next!
And you have the recipe for the perfect weekend band!
Meet the Beat Kitchen. They're ten folks from Champaign-Urbana (there is also a restaurant in Chytown with that name, but this article isn't about them), and can they play! They play some R&B/funk with some solid, danceable grooves, and their songs get everybody up and dancing. Most of the songs are originals, but they've been known to do a funkified cover or two (think an R&B cover of Radiohead's "Karma Police" for starters!). My friend DoMonique and I went to see them, and their worldbeat co-headliner Mhondoro, this Saturday. We were in for a fabulous double act, as both groups did not disappoint. They just kept us dancing and singing along, and the crowd in the whole bar, the Iron Post, was on its feet. I've liked R&B for a while now, but this only cemented my love for it. This band really knew how to work a crowd while also staying soulful and emotive. And that singer has a terrific set of pipes! He has a big deep voice, with a wide range for a guy.
The rhythm and blues crowd also knows how to behave, think the manners of the folk crowd mixed with the good exuberance of the rock one. Sure, the Iron Post was crowded and a small venue. But, there was no shoving, moshing, feeling-up when you don't want to be felt up, or creepies being creepy like I've seen at other shows. The fans behave, but that doesn't mean they can't get excited and energized. And their dancing is so much fun. You don't have to know any particular steps or anything, but rather to find your own groove. Some folks were doing West African style dancing to Mhondoro, since that group does have Zimbabwean and Guinea influences, but the rest of us were simply doing what we liked. Our friends Jane and Megan, who are more into social dances with lots of rules and steps (Megan's been known to ballroom and swing dance during punk shows--and pull it off), also could find their groove. It wasn't hard at all.
Only drawback is that the "comfortable" boots we both had on turned out to be not so comfortable after dancing for four hours straight! The bus ride we took to IHOP and then back home provided a welcome opportunity to sit down for once that night! Definitely a fantastic night and show, and one to hopefully be repeated!
And if you would like to cook up some grooves at the Beat Kitchen, hie thee hence to http://www.myspace.com/beatkitchenfunk, and find out when you can see them next!
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Who says you can't go home?
With summer starting within a couple of days, I figured it was appropriate to make note of something I've been feeling pretty strongly these past couple of weeks. It seems like the places that are the most like home to me are the places I've sought out myself and/or created for myself. I don't mean to diss my family. My family is lovely, and I am certainly looking forward to seeing them. ALL of them!
But it seems as though I've felt the most welcome and been the most accepted in places where they know me and me alone/first. I haven't been very good at keeping in touch with high school friends. Many of us have kind of grown apart, or I've been the only one keeping the friendship alive. The place where I'm working is incredibly cliquish. I'm not trying to whine or be bitchy, but it really annoys me when it seems as though I'm making all of the effort to reach out and be friendly and no one reciprocates. I know I'm not shy anymore, and I do my best to remember important things about people. The weird thing is, when I'm back up north, I feel as though I'm just putting on a performance for people. It just feels kind of wrong...shouldn't your home be the first place where you feel like...well...you? I can't discuss many of my activities around certain relatives or high/grade school friends and certainly not around coworkers. If I told some of my coworkers that I was the Feminist Majority co-president for next year or that I participated in the Day of Silence, you can bet that they'd go out of their way to avoid me. If I told some extended relatives (not immediate ones...more like the ones you don't see as often) or high/school friends about the Ayyam-i-hah party I went to in February, they'd look at me like I was speaking Latin or something (although, technically the word "Ayyam-i-hah" is Farsi, not Latin). Even my own parents have asked me to tone down what I talk about, like my advocacy work or declaring. Topics like those are outside of the mainstream and outside of people's comfort zones, I guess.
Maybe I'm overreacting.
I just think that my experience in college has completely made up for all of that. Here, people know me for me. Not because they know my parents and by default know me because I'm their kid. Not just because I've lived there 10+ years. Not just because I obligatorily have to go there. People like me because they want to, not because they have to. I know that I'm not the most "ideal" friend--I can be a pretty polarizing and opinionated individual, and I can be a total bitch when I want to be (hell, I used that in one of my campaign speeches! I said, "I can totally bitch at people to make them vote. I'm a real live bitch!" when I ran for outreach director. I lost, but I did make 'em laugh!). But the communities I've either enjoyed being a part of or formed have all accepted me for me. Not for anything else. None of my professors know the rest of my family. They like my work because I do my best and it shows. They respect me because I put in a lot of hard work and talk my head off in discussion section (it's not unusual for a professor to tell me to let someone else talk for a change!). When I started attending devotions, I didn't know anyone there when I went the first time. But the people in the ECI cluster like me because we've taken the time to get to know each other. I didn't become friendly with them because they knew one of my relatives or lived near me, and they're just as nice to me as a declarant as they were to me as a seeker. Every club that I've joined is accepting of me because they know me and they know my work. I felt more like myself among my monologists (and that WAS a REAL performance!). At the Spring Social in April, I had a blast going around the teamster hall and introducing myself to all the other activists and talking with them. (And I didn't know anyone outside the planning committee! By the end, I had met all these cool new activisty people, and they gave me great suggestions for getting my word out!)
They say that home is what you make of it. I say it's what you make for yourself. I've found so much more respect and acceptance when I've been the one initiating it or making the opportunities for myself. While I am certainly looking forward to vacation and my lovely family and of course the fabulous concerts, I also am looking forward to the next school year.
But it seems as though I've felt the most welcome and been the most accepted in places where they know me and me alone/first. I haven't been very good at keeping in touch with high school friends. Many of us have kind of grown apart, or I've been the only one keeping the friendship alive. The place where I'm working is incredibly cliquish. I'm not trying to whine or be bitchy, but it really annoys me when it seems as though I'm making all of the effort to reach out and be friendly and no one reciprocates. I know I'm not shy anymore, and I do my best to remember important things about people. The weird thing is, when I'm back up north, I feel as though I'm just putting on a performance for people. It just feels kind of wrong...shouldn't your home be the first place where you feel like...well...you? I can't discuss many of my activities around certain relatives or high/grade school friends and certainly not around coworkers. If I told some of my coworkers that I was the Feminist Majority co-president for next year or that I participated in the Day of Silence, you can bet that they'd go out of their way to avoid me. If I told some extended relatives (not immediate ones...more like the ones you don't see as often) or high/school friends about the Ayyam-i-hah party I went to in February, they'd look at me like I was speaking Latin or something (although, technically the word "Ayyam-i-hah" is Farsi, not Latin). Even my own parents have asked me to tone down what I talk about, like my advocacy work or declaring. Topics like those are outside of the mainstream and outside of people's comfort zones, I guess.
Maybe I'm overreacting.
I just think that my experience in college has completely made up for all of that. Here, people know me for me. Not because they know my parents and by default know me because I'm their kid. Not just because I've lived there 10+ years. Not just because I obligatorily have to go there. People like me because they want to, not because they have to. I know that I'm not the most "ideal" friend--I can be a pretty polarizing and opinionated individual, and I can be a total bitch when I want to be (hell, I used that in one of my campaign speeches! I said, "I can totally bitch at people to make them vote. I'm a real live bitch!" when I ran for outreach director. I lost, but I did make 'em laugh!). But the communities I've either enjoyed being a part of or formed have all accepted me for me. Not for anything else. None of my professors know the rest of my family. They like my work because I do my best and it shows. They respect me because I put in a lot of hard work and talk my head off in discussion section (it's not unusual for a professor to tell me to let someone else talk for a change!). When I started attending devotions, I didn't know anyone there when I went the first time. But the people in the ECI cluster like me because we've taken the time to get to know each other. I didn't become friendly with them because they knew one of my relatives or lived near me, and they're just as nice to me as a declarant as they were to me as a seeker. Every club that I've joined is accepting of me because they know me and they know my work. I felt more like myself among my monologists (and that WAS a REAL performance!). At the Spring Social in April, I had a blast going around the teamster hall and introducing myself to all the other activists and talking with them. (And I didn't know anyone outside the planning committee! By the end, I had met all these cool new activisty people, and they gave me great suggestions for getting my word out!)
They say that home is what you make of it. I say it's what you make for yourself. I've found so much more respect and acceptance when I've been the one initiating it or making the opportunities for myself. While I am certainly looking forward to vacation and my lovely family and of course the fabulous concerts, I also am looking forward to the next school year.
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