What's a master to do?

Well, I thought my sense of guilt over not writing any papers (since I've graduated!) would dissipate with time.  I have been busily filling my time with concerts, fairs, festivals, family, and friends like any good graduate would do.  The sense of guilt began to dissipate, somewhat, but it would still flare now and then.  I'd be reading one of my novels, and I'd suddenly think in the middle of a sentence, "I should really be revising my thesis."  Then I remembered that the thesis has been done for two months and does not need to be revised any more.  I got a note from my committee chair thanking me for the gift I sent her, and I have to remind myself that I'm not going to be seeing her every week this fall.  Of course, as I live less than an hour away from my school, I can see her whenever I want, but now it's going to be because I want to.  When I walk home after going dancing, I think, "Okay, now I'm going to work on my paper" before I realize that I don't have any papers to do.

But overall, very slowly, the guilt began to dissipate somewhat.  I thought I'd be done with it soon enough. 

But now it's back in full force!  I see those ads EVERYWHERE advertising back to school!  I have even participated in the back to school sales (hey, a girl can never have too many glitter gel pens).  I see the schools in the area with messages on their signs for the new students.  I even overlook a church and parish school from my home, and I see its sign welcoming the students back.  My colleagues who have kids talk about college searches, getting the kids back on schedule, and being organized...

And then it hits me like a ton of bricks!  I AM FINISHED AND NOT GOING BACK! 

I don't know what to think about that.  I mean, part of me is thrilled that I can read whatever I want (hello Forsyte Saga) and do what I like (another cross country train trip!), whenever I want it.  But...part of me is really thinking that something got left behind in the process.  I won't miss living a laser-focused life on my thesis, but I will definitely miss my professors and classmates.  Though I have a very smart workplace (and they're currently taking bets on what degree I'll get next) and love being there, I feel like I'll miss the steady exchange of ideas and the feedback on those ideas.  I'll miss the guided course of study.  And I will miss the archives!  I developed an iron butt from sitting in the archives for hours last summer!

In short, I'm gonna miss school!  What am I going to do?  I've been living such a jam-packed life that I still feel like I have to attend my classes and work on my thesis.  It is like a phantom limb, only with activities!  What am I going to do?  I can't see it getting any better!  When school starts back up again, I'll probably feel weird that I'm not going.  When I go to events at my school, I can't say I'm a master's candidate because I have a master's degree now.  Hell, when it's Christmas time, my little cousin and my sister will have loads of college stories and for the first time in years, I will not!

Why can't this guilt leave me alone!?  Why can't it let me enjoy my life as a master of arts?  Or do I need a PhD?  But if I go for the PhD, it will one day have to be finished as well.  When it's done, THEN WHAT?

What's a master of arts to do?

Diamonds and Rust

Diamonds and Rust

Well I'll be damned
Here comes your ghost again
But that's not unusual
It's just that the moon is full
And you happened to call

And here I sit, hand on the telephone
Hearing a voice I'd known
A couple of light years ago
Heading straight for a fall

As I remember your eyes
Were bluer than robin's eggs
"My poetry was lousy", you said
Where are you calling from?
A booth in the Midwest

Thirty years ago
I bought you some cuff links
You brought me something
And we both know what memories can bring
They bring diamonds and rust

You burst on the scene
Already a legend
The unwashed phenomenon
The original vagabond
You strayed into my arms

And there you stayed
Temporarily lost at sea
The Madonna was yours for free
Yes the girl on the half-shell
Would keep you unharmed

Now I see you standing
With brown leaves falling around
An' snow in your hair
Now you're smiling out the window
Of that crummy hotel over Washington Square

Our breath comes out white clouds
Mingles and hangs in the air
Speaking strictly for me
We both could have died then and there

Now you're telling me
You're not nostalgic
Then give me another word for it
You, who are so good with words
And at keeping things vague

'Cause I need some of that vagueness now

It's all come back too clearly
I once loved you dearly
And if you're offering me diamonds and rust
Well, I'll take the diamonds

Performed by the inspiring Joan Baez.  Saw her live this year with the talented Indigo Girls (yes, they came to the north burbs!  My wish came true!!!!!!!), and their three-part harmony encore was a national treasure.

Steel and silk

I don't want to be the girl you can call your Mrs
I'm always myself, whether I'm with you or not
And when you're with me, you never will settle
You know I would give you the best that I've got

Steel on silk and silk on steel
Is exactly what I want to feel
Steel on silk and silk on steel
Is exactly what I want to feel

I don't want to be the girl you have to protect
I'm the princess that always rescues herself.
You don't need to swoop in saving the day
Cause I'm ready to fight and can do it myself

Listen, I can revel, and I can fight
Don't assume that I need you help
If you dare me to, I'll be going all night
I don't need you to save me, I can do it myself
I can do it myself

I'm steel on silk and silk on steel
It's exactly what I want to feel
Steel on silk and silk on steel
Is exactly what I want to feel

I'm steel on silk and silk on steel
It's exactly what I want to feel
Steel on silk and silk on steel
Is exactly what I want to feel
(C) Revel With a Cause Productions

No more good wives

Is anyone else totally confounded by the fact that Elliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner are considered viable candidates for office in the same age that women are still fighting for basic rights?  While I don't live in New York and can't vote for the mayor in their upcoming election (though of all the candidates, my views probably align the closest with Christine Quinn's), I'm pretty skeeved by Mr. Weiner's total narcissism and lack of regard for consent.  We don't need leaders who see consent as irrelevant.

While I don't know what goes on in his relationship, it kind of pains me to see Huma Mahmood Abedin, his wife, dutifully standing by his side.  I know it's probably part of the typical politician script if you're caught messing up--to show that your spouse has forgiven you.  But it makes me wonder what would happen if the genders were reversed.  Would an Elena Spitzer have her husband by her side?  Or if it was a same-sex couple, would Annette Weiner still be the comeback kid?  I don't know, since both of these candidates are not ladies, but something tells me not.  We'd probably be hearing all kinds of sexist rhetoric, like "slut" and "whore" thrown in their direction.

Which is why I would just love one example to the contrary.  No more good wives after a political scandal.  I'd love to see a fallen male politician up there--alone.  I'd love to see the wife doing her own thing after the scandal, like running for office herself!  And to recharge her batteries before running for office, since betrayal's a pain, I would recommend she do some self care like actually hiking Appalachian trail, blasting cheesy breakup songs on her morning commute loud enough to cause a noise violation, or flying off to Shanghai for a week (oooooh--dream trip!).  Make the dude pay for it as part of his penance.

In short, I'd find it totally refreshing for these political ladies to show anger.  I know, I know, anger is not exactly something that's encouraged in women.  But why not show a high-profile example of it?  A profound betrayal can engender some profound responses, after all. 

Or maybe what we need is more female political leaders.  And fast.

Contract for Revelry

So, dear readers, here is my pledge to you should I ever get elected to office.  I solemnly swear to uphold it.  Every word!  Though the chance of me getting elected to anything would be if only one person in the US voted--myself.

I pledge to always remember that freedom of religion applies to everybody.  Our religious diversity in this country is a gift!  And I pledge to remember that as much as I believe in my own religion, my fellow Americans believe in theirs just as much and that I will respect that.

I pledge never to be a hypocrite or a member of the Religious Right.  Oh wait...

I pledge to remember that there are 7 billion people in this world and that 300 million of them live in the US.  And of all those, we all deserve to be treated fairly.

I pledge not to start two wars and then wonder how the deficit got so big.  Sort of like how I never wonder how I end up completely energetic at 3 AM after my 8+ cups of coffee per day.

I will not pledge to battle childhood obesity and then slash funds to the supplemental nutrition (food stamps) or WIC program.  If you're going to end childhood obesity, then make sure there's nutritious food that all the kids and families can afford.

I pledge to do my damnedest to get the US to stop hating on China.  Really, are we that easily threatened?  So not cool!  I will expedite the process if China gives me a 100% lifetime discount at the cloisonne factory!

I pledge to raise the tax on cigarettes to $100...per cigarette.

If I make any laws about immigration, I will actually make them fix immigration as opposed to making it sound like I am some horrible racist who doesn't want Latinos living next door to me.

I pledge that I will not spout off lines about the sanctity of marriage in public and cheat on my spouse in private.

I pledge to actually read the entire Constitution before I pledge to uphold it.  And if I still don't understand it, I will either hire a tutor to help me understand it, or I won't become a politician.

Honestly, if progressive candidates can't win enough votes to stay in office or take back the House in 2014, I'm seriously considering moving to Canada.  It wouldn't be so bad--I like Neil Young, the Cowboy Junkies, and that Ferron lady so I will get to hear them more!  Plus, I live so far north, it shouldn't be that much of an adjustment.

Revel sings the blues

Ain't got no defense baby
No revisions too
I'm sittin' here in my apartment
With no more schoolwork to do!

I got the bluuuuuuues....
The thesis-is-done blues tonight!

Well, I feel I should be workin'
But I'm all done
I'm racked with guilt
When I'm trynna have fun!

 I got the bluuuuuuues....
The thesis-is-done blues tonight!

Yep, that's the bluuuuuues...
The thesis-is done blues tonight!

You know, everyone warned me that once I finished grad school, I would feel as though I should be working, even though I was done.  I assured them that with my full life, I would not feel that way.  After all, in addition to school, I had a loving family and incredible friends, worked full time at a rewarding job, represented my agency at a respected state coalition, ran through novels like water, made professional-quality jewelry and accessories, went to concerts, and enjoyed train travel and the arts community in my town.  All that would be different would be the two new letters after my name and some more free time on my hands.

AND YET...

Although I have never ever done this, I feel the same way that cheating on a partner must feel!  I feel racked with guilt that I should be doing something (i.e. schoolwork), but then I remember that I am done with school and that I do not need to do any homework.  Last week, I sat in the town square and read a book about the blues and the women's rights movement, and when I went back home, I thought, "How will I word this in a paper?"  Then I remembered that the book was solely for pleasure and that I did not have to write anything about it unless I absolutely wanted to. (BTW, any music fans out there?  Read "Blues Legacies and Black Feminism" NOW!)  Hell, I'm planning my next cross country train trip, and I was thinking, "Okay, when is my break?"  Now that I'm done with school, my break is any time I can request time off!

I know how to fill my time, but I did not expect this sense of guilt!  How will I ever get rid of it?!

And how will I avoid kicking myself in the butt if and when I decide to go for another degree?

But for now: "I got the bluuuuuuuuuuuuuues...."

Independence Day

I'm proud to be an American.

Before you think this is just some souped-up, flag-waving, superficial sort of assertion, allow me to explain.  While I do have a very critical outlook on my country (and even on my state, but that's a rant for another time), I am, overall, very much proud to come from here and very happy to call it home.

I think the main thing that makes me proud to be American is my activism.  In looking at the long and rich tradition of progressivism in this country, I can see that I come from a proud and long tradition.  Our own president, in his inaugural address, delighted thousands of progressives by mentioning that we'd come "from Seneca Falls to Selma to Stonewall."  If you look at the women's rights movement, the gay rights movement, racial justice, and disability rights (to name a few!), many of these really got off the ground and rose to national prominence here in the states.  While things are unfortunately not equal yet, knowing that there has always been and always will be someone to fight for equality really makes me quite happy. 

That's the spirit of independence that I really can get behind.  It's the women who chained themselves to the gate of the White House so that they could vote, demanding the same rights and freedoms as men.  It's the crowd of radical womyn flooding the streets of San Francisco with candles and garish signs.  It's the gay and lesbian patrons of a bar in NYC deciding that this night, they would fight back after a police raid.  It's the thousands marching on Washington to demand equality.  All of these took individuals to stand up and say no more.  To stand up for themselves and for others.

It's an independence that is rooted in compassion and empathy, the ability to break from the crowd and to demand something better for oneself and for others.

And for that reason I am proud to be an American.