An open letter for the talented Ms. Ray

Dear Amy*,

Well, you will now always and forever be my favorite of the Indigo Girls (with all due respect to your bandmate). That "Lung of Love" contest with the notes hidden in the CD's was so cool!

And how fitting that I got the prize code in the same town where I saw you perform, too. Now all you need to do is come and play a show in the north burbs and I will be a very happy lady. Maybe that nice couple I was hanging out with at your '09 show and those local bands might be in attendance.

Thank you for being awesome! And please come to the north burbs. If you do, you can sign my "Didn't It Feel Kinder" shirt so both are autographed!

Feeling "Closer to Fine" now that the prize has arrived,
Revel

* I love contests and prizes, especially when a prize is for me! And how cool to win one of the prizes in this contest: http://www.thegavoice.com/aae/music/4266-amy-ray-shares-her-lung-of-love

Tracy, please stick to "Mad Men"

I'm doing some baking with my brand-new oven. Did you know brand-new gas ovens smell bad when you first use them? According to the technicians at Premier Appliances, this is normal and will go away after the next few uses, but for now, there is this stinky smell in the air. Hopefully the baked potato skins I'm making for a potato skin salad will help make my kitchen smell a little better.

But you know, the stinkiness of the smell my oven is making cannot possibly compare to the stinkiness of an article I just read today. Apparently, Tracy McMillan, a writer for Mad Men and somewhat infamously the author of "Why You're Not Married" (which is now--WTF--a book), has a follow-up article, "Why You're Still Not Married."

Now I could answer that in one sentence: "Because I don't want to be." Easy. I got what I want! Ms. McMillan, on the other hand, has a much longer answer. (Her first reasons were quite the doozy: 1) You're a Bitch, 2) You're Shallow 3) You're a Slut, 4) You're a Liar, 5) You're Selfish, and 6) You're Not Good Enough.) However, she's got some new ones! Apparently...THIS is the reason for my husband-free state!
#7You're a mess. Well, okay, I know I've been in therapy. I make no apologies for that. Lots of people have. Apparently, to be "a mess," one needs to have a secret that they don't wish to share, one that's holding them back. Well, that hasn't yet stopped folks from being interested in me, and I am doubtful that it's going to. And your point?
#8 You're crazy. So McMillan sees "crazy" as anyone who likes intensity? Again, what's wrong with intensity? And if somebody's more intense, wouldn't they seek out someone equally intense or who could tolerate the intense and leave the vanilla folks to find someone else? Again, her point is?
#9 You're a dude. Well, that is really going to shock my parents when I tell them they have a son instead of a daughter. Not sure if I can describe myself as a femme anymore, but hey, if I am a dude, can I have the $0.22 added back to my paycheck?
#10 You're godless. Now, how are the people at devotions going to act when they find that out??? And if that is such a turnoff, why are there still atheists and agnostics who do get married?

Oh, but I digress. Tracy's real point is this: in order to find somebody who wants to marry you, you need to act like you don't have any personality or dreams or boundaries or anything that makes you, well, you. And you have to be straight (again, LGBTQ folks don't seem to exist in her world). If that's what it takes to get married, well, I think being single suits me quite nicely, thank you very much.

Really, I think Tracy should just stick to her day job of writing "Mad Men" scripts. At least that show is fictional. But I will say, I do agree with one sentence of hers, though not in the sarcastic way she meant it: "People are always just trying to make women feel bad, that's all. Misogynists." Yeah. They are. It's called sexist behavior and misogyny. And Tracy has shown that she is happily doing that as well.

Wow, after reading over her screed, my oven stinks a whole lot less by comparison! That's saying a lot!

Think twice, that's my only advice...

Ladies, let me have a show of hands, please. Put your hands in the air if you've ever heard this phrase or said it:

"You've lost weight! You look great!"
"Oh, you don't need to worry about gaining weight. You've got a metabolism."

I suspect a lot of hands will go up. And why not? Our culture really places a high value on thinness and physical beauty. So, clearly, anything that looks like one is trying to fit in with what our culture values is going to be lauded.

But do we ever think about why someone might look like s/he's lost weight or happens to have a high metabolism? Sure, there are many people who have been trying to lose weight and have reached their goals. But...sometimes that's not what the person was trying to do, and sometimes the reasons are not particularly benign. For someone who lost weight due to sickness or stress, their appearance might not be something they are all that proud of. Some abuse survivors develop eating disorders (either gaining or losing weight) because they feel as though they won't be targeted if they aren't considered "attractive" to a perpetrator (yes, I had to bring that up). Hell, an individual might be struggling with an eating disorder, and it might not be something to compliment them on.

Additionally, I don't particularly like chalking a person's appearance up to speculations on his or her metabolism. Some people do indeed have high metabolisms and have to fight to keep the weight on. Some people may look lighter, but they might be more muscular (and muscle weighs more than fat, remember). There are some who might look that way due to substance abuse issues (not something to be proud of!). And for others, metabolism has nothing to do with their appearance. I had two [perfectly normal-sized] friends tell me the metabolism comment when we were out to lunch one day, and since we are friends, I said firmly, "This isn't metabolism." Honestly, I don't have a fast metabolism. The primary reason I look the way I do is because I walk at least 3 miles a day (love my downtown!) and dance a couple days each week (love the concert venues!). I actually don't even know my current weight, since my primary focus is on my energy/endurance. (Since I can walk from my downtown to the downtown in the next community over--a 6+ mile round trip--without once getting winded(!) and am almost always one of the last girls off the floor when I go dancing, I am not complaining about some number on a scale!) Weight's kind of a meaningless number since it's not a measurement of what you can do or what your health is.

Maybe the focus shouldn't be on losing weight but rather on being healthy and strong. Oh if only...

Pay it forward

As a social services professional and as a civic-minded individual, I'm a big fan of the "Pay It Forward" philosophy. Repaying a good deed by doing it for someone else is a great way to live, and I feel as though that can help make a permanent, lasting difference in the world.

Lately, I've been trying to incorporate that in a very personal aspect of my life. I lost my grandmother in the fall, and I'm still definitely going through the grieving process. Though we didn't always agree on everything, we were really close, and I'd wanted her to be at my master's graduation (she was at both my bachelor's graduations). We did, though, have quite a lot in common: both big readers, adventurous, and artistic. It's been very difficult adjusting to the fact that she is no longer with us.

I lately decided to find some way to honor her memory by doing something similar to what she did, only for people I don't know. One thing I remember very clearly about Grandma Lori was that she was really artistic and creative. Whenever my sister and cousin and I would go to her house, she'd have her art supplies at the ready and we would make creative projects to take home. She made Halloween costumes for my sister and me when we were really little, and we'd wear them till we grew out of them. I definitely think that's where I got my arty interests! (My mom's art is culinary prowess, and my dad likes to paint. I'm primarily a jeweler, but my interests and skills run the gamut from sewing to drawing and everything in between.) Another thing that sticks out very clearly for me is Grandma's generous nature. Whenever she'd stop by to visit or when we'd come to visit, she'd always have something to share with or give to us, even if it wasn't a holiday. Any day was a good day to be generous.

So I'd like to honor those memories by doing something in that vein. Like I've mentioned, I am a jeweler ("Revel with a Cause" is the name of my accessories and gifts line) and I do like to create to de-stress. This year, I think I'll remember Grandma Lori's creative spirit by making more of my beautiful and unique pieces and setting aside some sets each month. At the end of the year, I will gather all the sets of jewelry I put aside (I'm aiming for 15-20 at least!), put them in boxes or little bags, and donate them to a women's homeless or domestic violence shelter. Many shelters now offer "economic empowerment" programs that give the women job training to rebuild their lives, and perhaps they can wear my pieces to their job interviews (or use them as holiday gifts). That will honor my grandma's generous and artistic spirit and bring some of that spirit to a bunch of unsuspecting clients!

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some crafts to do.... ;)

An open letter for our congress critters

Dear US Senators and Representatives,

Well, now it looks like HR 4970 may be advancing to be voted on next week. This is the House version of VAWA that strips away the provisions for LGBTQ, Native, and immigrant survivors. Let me ask you just one request:

For the real VAWA, please stand up! I do not want this to be the version that passes for the sake of being "bipartisan." Don't gamble with people's safety and well being.

Please don't divide the issue. We're talking about women's lives here, and we have to care about all the women's lives.

Thanks,

Revel

I'm talking about lives here

As a crisis worker and a feminist and as a human being in general, I am really getting riled up over this whole "debate" over reauthorizing the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). Well, actually, I am really quite happy for the bipartisan support it's received in the Senate. The Senate version is designed to help victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, and this one even includes provisions for helping LGBTQ survivors, Native women, and undocumented women. How's that for helping some vulnerable groups? I have worked with women who are undocumented, and many of them really fear that they will be deported if they report their abuse. The new VAWA will help them get a visa if their abuser is the primary immigrant. And the LGBTQ provision is also quite needed, as gays and lesbians and trans folks are unfortunately a high-risk group for violent crimes. I am glad that our Senators chose to include them to make this bill super-comprehensive.

In the House, though, is a whole different story and a much uglier one. My dentist is probably going to tell me my bruxism has gotten a million times worse, but how can it not, with all the teeth grinding I've been doing over this issue? The House, which is controlled by Republicans, is really not at all cooperative. They've been trying to block passage of VAWA, and now that they know they're not going to get away with it, they're drafting up a new version of it. One, specifically, that will strip away those provisions to help undocumented women, Native women, and LGBTQ survivors. I mean, what is this?? Preventing violence against women should mean protecting all the women, not just those you deem acceptable! To make matters even scarier, an undocumented survivor would be at risk for having her abuser know that she's applied for a temporary visa. Now how does that help her? That's only going to exacerbate the abuse! And the LGBTQ community is still targeted for hate crimes. Where does that leave a lesbian survivor or a transgender individual needing assistance?

I am really praying this House version of VAWA does not become the one that's up for a vote, as I really don't think it's right that certain individuals' rights and safety become a political football. This reminds me a lot of the passage of the Affordable Care Act. Though I was really happy that so many Americans would get healthcare, I was enraged that it had to codify the oh so odious Hyde Amendment to do so. It felt like a Pyrrhic victory almost, at least for women. Why should our rights to reproductive healthcare be considered acceptable to trade away? Why is it that we have to "wait our turn"? Now, with the House refusing to re-authorize VAWA with its new provisions, it really worries me that re-authorization may come on the backs of groups that are already vulnerable. Haven't survivors from these groups suffered enough? It's bad enough to be discriminated against, as well as being a survivor of abuse. But to be at further risk or with inadequate services available? I can't imagine what that feels like. I can't speak for those groups. I can only speak for me, but I am really hoping this is not the trade-off we must strike.

I'm tired of trading away people's rights in the name of bipartisanship. Like my comment on the Affordable Care Act, these are people's whole lives we are talking about. We can't play games with people's lives. Yes, it's easy to say no federal funds will pay for abortion services...when you're not the low-income woman facing an unwanted or dangerous pregnancy. I'm sure it's also easy to be okay with stripping protections for these survivors as well...when you're not the rape or domestic violence victim with nowhere to go and facing huge discrimination. I really hope (and will be sending my letters and emails!) that the Senate does the right thing and sticks to their own version of the bill. We can't divide the issue and give protections only to those we like. If we truly believe in our country as "the land of the free and home of the brave," we need to understand that freedom has to mean freedom for everyone.

April Every Day

Sexual Assault Awareness Month has come to a close, and during April, I always try to do a little something extra to work to prevent violence against women and children. At my center, the staff was thrilled to be out in the community to educate and advocate for our cause and our clients. We have a big presence all year round, however, during Sexual Assault Awareness Month, our presence is clearly enhanced all over the area. This April, we raised awareness and highlighted sexual assault not as a women’s rights matter, but as a social justice and human rights issue that is relevant to every gender, race, religion and sexual orientation. Advocates and educators presented trainings at a multitude of schools and social agencies. Press releases filled the local newspapers, demanding that we bring the issue of sexual abuse into the open in order to break the silence and shame surrounding it. Being able to bring our knowledge and our gifts to the community was a real privilege, and I know that as advocates, we are always working to reach out to positively impact the culture to create a society free from sexual violence.

I, too, took part in the Sexual Assault Awareness Month events. As I am currently pursuing a graduate degree in women’s studies, I was honored to be included on a panel of five non-profit professionals and master’s candidates. Entitled “If Not Now, When? Showing Up as Allies for Social Justice,” the panel featured the author and violence prevention activist Paul Kivel as the keynote speaker. The five panelists represented a diverse variety of social agencies (sexual assault treatment, domestic violence prevention, child and family services, and public housing) and discussed the role that non-profits must play in community struggles to end violence and promote equality. Inspired by Paul’s article, “Social Service or Social Change?” the panelists discussed the responsibility of non-profits in working directly with those who have been affected by social problems and working to empower the community to prevent those problems from happening. Representing my agency was a perfect choice, as we work individually with survivors of sexual assault and abuse to help them to heal from the effects of rape. However, we also promote community-wide change to prevent rape from ever happening, through our prevention education efforts and Up2Us program. I was so excited to bring our work and mission to a new audience of over 100 members of the Chicago community and to explore the ways that non-profits can become more effective in their efforts to advocate for and promote a more just and empowered community.

I was particularly struck by Paul’s message and work. Paul’s activism against violence is tied to dismantling all other forms of inequality in society, such as sexism , religious intolerance, and racism. When one group of people are deemed as less than another, he reasons, it become easier to excuse or condone violent and oppressing acts against them. It becomes harder to be the one to stand up and say that this is not right. Paul pointed out at the panel, “Violence happens when people are separated, excluded, ignored, or set apart. Making peace requires all hands.”

This then got me thinking back to our work during Sexual Assault Awareness Month. To be honest, I’ve always had a complicated feeling about “awareness months.” On the one hand, I am certainly in favor of any kind of awareness and activism; however, I can’t help but think that this increased awareness should be all year round. This increased awareness must lead to increased empathy and solidarity, with and on behalf of the clients and community we serve. Additionally, increasing our awareness must in turn create an environment where no one is separated, excluded, or ignored in their time of crisis. Can you imagine what a year of anti-rape activism would be like? What would it take? It would require us to realize that violence is not acceptable. It would require us to empathize with one another instead of tolerating any kind of abuse inflicted on someone. It would require all of us to stand up and demand an end to violence. It would require us to interrupt and stop any form of victim blaming. In short, it would be a broad, sweeping, community-wide change, and it would certainly “require all hands.”

Promoting activism against sexual abuse, every day, might just be the beginning for turning this advocate's vision of creating a culture free from sexual violence into a reality. It’s worth a shot. And I think I'm up for the challenge.

oh man, am I stereotypical at times...

One woman (that would be me)
A flash drive of interviews from the feminist anti-violence movement in the state
One pot of coffee
"Closer to Fine" playing in the background
One night reading the interviews and being inspired.

HEAVENLY

This is what I do when I don't go out, and it's good to have balance in my life.

"I wish I had your life!"

Is it just me, or did the double standards start coming out in full force ever since I (a) became single and (b) started living alone?  Or is it that they started applying to me?  I really don't get it, but any insight would be thoroughly appreciated.  What's really odd is that these are coming out of individuals who I thought knew me better or knew better than to say those things.

So it's not much of a secret that I am both single and live alone (though I am not careless enough to put where I am on this blog!).  I am happy with both, as I am usually pretty comfortable with myself in most circumstances.  This isn't a statement that I will never have a partner ever, or never live with anybody ever, but rather that I'm happy right now.  Nor am I judging those who live differently.  Why would I?  That's so not me.  However, I've noticed that some otherwise well-meaning individuals have really let out some rather unusual comments, usually in the guise of being "concerned" or "curious."  However, I'd say it sounds more condescending than either of those.  I've had family ask me (when there are, like, a million other things they could ask me about) if I've found someone to date yet.  To be honest, I'm not looking.  Right now, the single life is pretty nice.  It just makes me a bit annoyed because there are so many other things they could ask me about--my MA program (one more year!), my job (allocation panel Thursday!), what I'm reading (Cherie Moraga's plays), my artistic projects (currently making handmade jewelry for the women at the homeless shelter), etc...   (Those topics are far more interesting than asking about something I don't have!)   Or, oddly enough, I get the constant comment, "Wouldn't it be nice if you had a roommate?  It must be so lonely to live alone....Did you know it's dangerous for a young woman to be alone?"  Ummm....anywhere you go, there could be danger.  And actually, I've never felt uncomfortable or lonely or unsafe on my own, and I did not want a roommate.  My ideal roomie doesn't exist, as I do not want one.  I live alone and travel alone, but I do have friends I get together with.  And for the safety issue, I've never felt unsafe in my complex, as (a) the people there tend to keep to themselves and (b) it helps that I'm bigger and most likely stronger than most of them.