I went to the American Historical Association's conference in January. Tremendous event with some truly amazing plenary sessions and a very empowering movie screening at the end. I really learned a lot about all aspects of social history (as that is my area of specialty) and saw some speakers who completely exceeded my expectations. At a screening of the new LGBTQ history documentary (see it if you get the chance!), On These Shoulders We Stand, I met three community college professors from Virginia. We sat together and talked before and after the film, and I saw two of them at a panel the next day. The three professors, Sarah, Anna, and Phylicia, were in their early to mid 40's and informed me that they had been friends since graduate school. So if you think about it, that's about 20 years of friendship! They said they went to conferences together and really got to experience a lot of the country this way. I could tell that they were having a great time exploring Chicago and what each other brought to the conference.
I didn't get their business cards, but their mention of being college friends really hit home for me. I have a lot of friends from undergrad and would absolutely love it if we remained close for as long as these ladies have. Plus, how cool would it be to travel together? All three women had spouses or partners, but they all made time to spend together at the conferences. They seemed to really enjoy one another's company.
This then got me thinking to how female friendship is often really trivialized or erased by the popular culture. (Male and female friends, which also seem to be erased, will be the subject of another blog post.) With the exception of Bridesmaids, many of the current films out aren't exactly focused on female friendships and the ones that do feature the women as competing for some man. That's really unfortunate because it doesn't reflect the reality of how many women are (we are not all in competition with each other!) and portrays the friendship as just a small matter before they "settle down" with someone. Sarah, Anna, and Phylicia all had spouses, but they didn't seem to treat their friendship as though it was just supplementary. Sarah, the most outgoing of the three, jokingly told me, "This gives our better halves the chance to have the house to themselves, so they're not complaining." Phylicia dryly added that if the three of them could survive doctoral exams, they could survive three days of travel together. (Allison Bechdel would be proud, I'm sure.) I love that attitude!
Maybe popular culture and the mass media could take a lesson from Sarah, Phylicia, and Anna's example. The profs could so teach 'em better than school. These are real women with real lived experiences, not some Hollywood fabrication.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
For Trust Women Week
I had to join the online march for Trust Women Week (best explained here: http://msmagazine.com/blog/blog/2012/01/20/trust-women-online-march/), as I figure I can put my pro-choice attitude and words where it matters.
I trust women, and I vote.
I trust women, and I believe that no one should be forced to or not to have a child.
I trust women as I would want to be trusted with decisions about my own life.
I trust women, as I know I could never, ever understand what led someone to their decision and that my choice might not necessarily be the same as theirs.
I trust women because likewise, I would never impose my own lifestyle on others.
I trust women because I don't ever want anyone to feel as though they can no longer control their own bodies.
I trust women because I believe as Beverly Smith said, "The right to choose can be a woman's right to life."
I will always and forever trust women.
And as a woman, I demand to be trusted as well.
I trust women, and I vote.
I trust women, and I believe that no one should be forced to or not to have a child.
I trust women as I would want to be trusted with decisions about my own life.
I trust women, as I know I could never, ever understand what led someone to their decision and that my choice might not necessarily be the same as theirs.
I trust women because likewise, I would never impose my own lifestyle on others.
I trust women because I don't ever want anyone to feel as though they can no longer control their own bodies.
I trust women because I believe as Beverly Smith said, "The right to choose can be a woman's right to life."
I will always and forever trust women.
And as a woman, I demand to be trusted as well.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Forget the "brand," concentrate on the person
Brand recognition. Personal brand. Create your personal brand.
I'm sure you've heard these phrases before, and since they've been used so much, they're probably coming off like a brand-ing iron to the ears. Even in the non-profit and academic worlds I frequent, I have heard these phrases more times than I could count. Develop your "personal brand," we professionals are told. Little, everyday things contribute to one's "personal brand," like how you dress, who you're seen with, and how you come across to people. Rather than achieving success through working to expand your mind and improve your life, this suggests that success, instead, comes from the way you, your career, and life are packaged (like a brand). When someone sees you or hears your name, they immediately (if you're lucky) think about what you've created your brand to be.
As acclimated as I've become to the business world (both non-profit and for-profit, being the grant manager and all), this is one concept I'm not at all sold on. Sure, I can understand the importance of creating a good reputation and becoming someone that people can trust right away. But a brand? That sounds waaaay too simplistic to really encapsulate who a person is!
Brands, the way I see them, apply to inanimate products, like say, cleaning solutions or foods. When I open up a bottle of Lysol or Soft Scrub to clean my bathroom, for example, I have an idea of what I've gotten and what I expect it to do. I know that I can get tough stains out of my sink and tub with the Soft Scrub and that Lysol works better on my toilet. That's part of their brand and part of my own experience with them. But here's the thing. I use the cleaning products. I certainly don't seek to get to know them, find out how I can relate to them, or establish a connection with them. They exist to serve one specific purpose--to make my home clean and sanitary. They're inanimate objects, not sentient beings with personalities or desires.
A person is a person. Not a brand. We are way too complex to really boil things down to just a little package and nothing more. We have desires and interests and idiosyncrasies that can't all fit into a little package. What does one do if all of those interests don't fit into their brand? Leave those out? Hide them? I mean, people are FULL of contradictions and quirks--even the most normal among us! You've read on this blog, for example, my interest in "buying local" and supporting my local, namely Lake County, community. However, one of my favorite things to do is to visit the ethnic enclaves in the huge cities I visit, get horrendously lost, and come back after 8 hours with a dozen new friends I made and stories to tell. (Last time I was in Armour Square, the docents at the Chinese-American Museum let my family and me in after hours, turned on the lights and videos, showed us how to play some of the games on display, and gave us our own private tour!) However, as much as that made an AWESOME day and birthday, that is not patronizing Lake County. Armour Square is a neighborhood of Chicago. Which is not in Lake County. Does that affect my "shop local" interests? Do I have to turn in my Lake County Chamber of Commerce membership? No, no, and no. That's because I have more interests than some silly narrow definition.
So maybe the focus isn't to develop your "personal brand." Maybe what we need to do is to understand and appreciate the complex, multiform human beings that we all are. A brand can't possibly cover all of that.
I'm sure you've heard these phrases before, and since they've been used so much, they're probably coming off like a brand-ing iron to the ears. Even in the non-profit and academic worlds I frequent, I have heard these phrases more times than I could count. Develop your "personal brand," we professionals are told. Little, everyday things contribute to one's "personal brand," like how you dress, who you're seen with, and how you come across to people. Rather than achieving success through working to expand your mind and improve your life, this suggests that success, instead, comes from the way you, your career, and life are packaged (like a brand). When someone sees you or hears your name, they immediately (if you're lucky) think about what you've created your brand to be.
As acclimated as I've become to the business world (both non-profit and for-profit, being the grant manager and all), this is one concept I'm not at all sold on. Sure, I can understand the importance of creating a good reputation and becoming someone that people can trust right away. But a brand? That sounds waaaay too simplistic to really encapsulate who a person is!
Brands, the way I see them, apply to inanimate products, like say, cleaning solutions or foods. When I open up a bottle of Lysol or Soft Scrub to clean my bathroom, for example, I have an idea of what I've gotten and what I expect it to do. I know that I can get tough stains out of my sink and tub with the Soft Scrub and that Lysol works better on my toilet. That's part of their brand and part of my own experience with them. But here's the thing. I use the cleaning products. I certainly don't seek to get to know them, find out how I can relate to them, or establish a connection with them. They exist to serve one specific purpose--to make my home clean and sanitary. They're inanimate objects, not sentient beings with personalities or desires.
A person is a person. Not a brand. We are way too complex to really boil things down to just a little package and nothing more. We have desires and interests and idiosyncrasies that can't all fit into a little package. What does one do if all of those interests don't fit into their brand? Leave those out? Hide them? I mean, people are FULL of contradictions and quirks--even the most normal among us! You've read on this blog, for example, my interest in "buying local" and supporting my local, namely Lake County, community. However, one of my favorite things to do is to visit the ethnic enclaves in the huge cities I visit, get horrendously lost, and come back after 8 hours with a dozen new friends I made and stories to tell. (Last time I was in Armour Square, the docents at the Chinese-American Museum let my family and me in after hours, turned on the lights and videos, showed us how to play some of the games on display, and gave us our own private tour!) However, as much as that made an AWESOME day and birthday, that is not patronizing Lake County. Armour Square is a neighborhood of Chicago. Which is not in Lake County. Does that affect my "shop local" interests? Do I have to turn in my Lake County Chamber of Commerce membership? No, no, and no. That's because I have more interests than some silly narrow definition.
So maybe the focus isn't to develop your "personal brand." Maybe what we need to do is to understand and appreciate the complex, multiform human beings that we all are. A brand can't possibly cover all of that.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
I just want you to be happy
Readers, I've noticed a trend among a group of individuals I've been writing about recently. Have you ever had someone making a totally unsolicited remark about your personal life that shows sie doesn't know anything about your personal life? I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had this happen. Whether it's someone asking me for the umpteenth time why I don't have a significant other or are not longing to get married or don't really wish to have kids, I've found it really shows just how ignorant they are about me! It never ceases to amaze me when they ask me about things they know just aren't a priority or an interest for me. I mean, I make it a point to remember what they value, and it would be amazing if they could return the favor. (Why not ask me about my job? Or my thesis topic? Or the super-empowering American Historical Association conference I went to? I would be happy to discuss any of those!)
But then when I've politely rebuffed them and said that's not my focus at this time, the big fat kicker is unleashed:
"Well, I hope you change your mind someday. I just want you to be happy!"
That's why you want me to change a lifestyle that's already serving me well?
What makes them think I can't be or am not happy as I am? Is singlehood some sort of blight that they feel they need to fix?
And for the record, I am happy. As I am.
I just wish they believed me.
But then when I've politely rebuffed them and said that's not my focus at this time, the big fat kicker is unleashed:
"Well, I hope you change your mind someday. I just want you to be happy!"
That's why you want me to change a lifestyle that's already serving me well?
What makes them think I can't be or am not happy as I am? Is singlehood some sort of blight that they feel they need to fix?
And for the record, I am happy. As I am.
I just wish they believed me.
Friday, January 13, 2012
The Pink Prison
I'm a feminist in a career and educational path that can be best described as traditionally "feminine." Due to the nature of our work, most rape crisis workers are female. Most of the counselors are female, too, and our statewide policy dictates that all first contact with a rape survivor must be done by a female advocate. I don't necessarily see any problem with that. As most rape survivors are women, I can see how it might be frightening for a survivor to have an advocate who was the same gender as her attacker.
That doesn't mean that there aren't men in the field. Quite the opposite. In my 5 years in advocacy, I've seen them in all levels of my work. Primarily, I've seen them in administrative roles, but I've also seen male advocates and counselors who work with children and men. I couldn't say that they were any less dedicated than their sisters in the field. Two of the crisis centers in the state even have male directors. It will always been a female-dominated field, and for good reason, but I'm glad to see more men wanting to help.
What I find interesting is people's response to the male advocates and crisis workers. When I talk about the women I work with, most people are politely interested and friendly in their responses. However, when I describe any of the men in the field, it seems like everybody is all ears! Effusive compliments for them abound, and everybody seems to want to know all about how they do the work and what keeps them going. And sooner or later, I get the inevitable, "Oh that's sooo wonderful and noble for him!"
Now don't get me wrong. I am hugely grateful for my brothers in advocacy, and I see recruiting and retaining them as an important priority. (Most male survivors are pretty grateful for an advocate they feel they can relate to.) They are definitely performing important work. In my experience, I remember some of the older advocates telling me about when it was considered shocking for a man to be employed at a crisis center...and being grateful times have changed.
However, I don't think it's necessarily only noble when a man does it. Sure, crisis intervention advocacy is predominantly female, but it's difficult and emotionally draining work for anyone of any gender. When I went through the training five years ago, I remember when some sections of it really were difficult for me to get through, and some of the workshops I've attended for my CEU's have also been pretty emotionally challenging. I'm sure I'm not the only female advocate who thinks that way. But I am in no way any more prepared or less noble when I do this simply because I am female. It's hard work for anyone to do. So why not celebrate all the advocates (not just the male ones)? Why not laud all of their investment in the work?
This then got me thinking about other predominantly female occupations, typically called "pink collar" jobs, such as teaching, librarianship, nursing, and counseling. These occupations are not exactly what you would call easy--all require some sort of license or advanced degree--and they require a good deal of education, skills, and emotional labor. There's no shame in someone wanting one of those jobs and taking the steps necessary to do so. However, I've noticed the same attitude towards men in these jobs as I have for the male advocates. There's usually a lot of praise heaped on them for doing something that's typically "female." However, I don't see the same amount of praise for women in these jobs. And again, it's still important and still pretty challenging work for anyone. It's no more or less just because of the gender of the person involved in it!
Perhaps the goal is to respect these service-related institutions and to laud those who dedicate their lives to them--regardless of their gender. Perhaps what we need to do is really understand what it takes to be in them and salute our brothers and sisters doing the work. Because it's important for all of us to care and to get involved.
That doesn't mean that there aren't men in the field. Quite the opposite. In my 5 years in advocacy, I've seen them in all levels of my work. Primarily, I've seen them in administrative roles, but I've also seen male advocates and counselors who work with children and men. I couldn't say that they were any less dedicated than their sisters in the field. Two of the crisis centers in the state even have male directors. It will always been a female-dominated field, and for good reason, but I'm glad to see more men wanting to help.
What I find interesting is people's response to the male advocates and crisis workers. When I talk about the women I work with, most people are politely interested and friendly in their responses. However, when I describe any of the men in the field, it seems like everybody is all ears! Effusive compliments for them abound, and everybody seems to want to know all about how they do the work and what keeps them going. And sooner or later, I get the inevitable, "Oh that's sooo wonderful and noble for him!"
Now don't get me wrong. I am hugely grateful for my brothers in advocacy, and I see recruiting and retaining them as an important priority. (Most male survivors are pretty grateful for an advocate they feel they can relate to.) They are definitely performing important work. In my experience, I remember some of the older advocates telling me about when it was considered shocking for a man to be employed at a crisis center...and being grateful times have changed.
However, I don't think it's necessarily only noble when a man does it. Sure, crisis intervention advocacy is predominantly female, but it's difficult and emotionally draining work for anyone of any gender. When I went through the training five years ago, I remember when some sections of it really were difficult for me to get through, and some of the workshops I've attended for my CEU's have also been pretty emotionally challenging. I'm sure I'm not the only female advocate who thinks that way. But I am in no way any more prepared or less noble when I do this simply because I am female. It's hard work for anyone to do. So why not celebrate all the advocates (not just the male ones)? Why not laud all of their investment in the work?
This then got me thinking about other predominantly female occupations, typically called "pink collar" jobs, such as teaching, librarianship, nursing, and counseling. These occupations are not exactly what you would call easy--all require some sort of license or advanced degree--and they require a good deal of education, skills, and emotional labor. There's no shame in someone wanting one of those jobs and taking the steps necessary to do so. However, I've noticed the same attitude towards men in these jobs as I have for the male advocates. There's usually a lot of praise heaped on them for doing something that's typically "female." However, I don't see the same amount of praise for women in these jobs. And again, it's still important and still pretty challenging work for anyone. It's no more or less just because of the gender of the person involved in it!
Perhaps the goal is to respect these service-related institutions and to laud those who dedicate their lives to them--regardless of their gender. Perhaps what we need to do is really understand what it takes to be in them and salute our brothers and sisters doing the work. Because it's important for all of us to care and to get involved.
Monday, January 2, 2012
The Bug
In looking back at 2011, I think this song sums it up best (though it was not written in 2011). More blog posts to follow...
The Bug
By Mary Chapin Carpenter
Well it's a strange old game, you learn it slow
One step forward and it's back you go
You're standing on the throttle
You're standing on the brake
In the groove 'til you make a mistake
Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're just a fool in love
Sometimes you're the Louisville Slugger
Sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together
Sometimes you're gonna lose it all
You gotta know happy - you gotta know glad
Because you're gonna know lonely
And you're gonna know sad
When you're rippin' and you're ridin'
And you're coming on strong
You start slippin' and slidin'
And it all goes wrong because
Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're just a fool in love
Sometimes you're the Louisville Slugger
Sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together
Sometimes you're gonna lose it all
One day you got the glory and then you got none
One day you're a diamond and then you're a stone
Everything can change in the blink of an eye
So let the good times roll before we say goodbye because
Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're just a fool in love
Sometimes you're the Louisville Slugger
Sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together
Sometimes you're gonna lose it all
Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're just a fool in love
Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're just a fool in love
The Bug
By Mary Chapin Carpenter
Well it's a strange old game, you learn it slow
One step forward and it's back you go
You're standing on the throttle
You're standing on the brake
In the groove 'til you make a mistake
Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're just a fool in love
Sometimes you're the Louisville Slugger
Sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together
Sometimes you're gonna lose it all
You gotta know happy - you gotta know glad
Because you're gonna know lonely
And you're gonna know sad
When you're rippin' and you're ridin'
And you're coming on strong
You start slippin' and slidin'
And it all goes wrong because
Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're just a fool in love
Sometimes you're the Louisville Slugger
Sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together
Sometimes you're gonna lose it all
One day you got the glory and then you got none
One day you're a diamond and then you're a stone
Everything can change in the blink of an eye
So let the good times roll before we say goodbye because
Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're just a fool in love
Sometimes you're the Louisville Slugger
Sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together
Sometimes you're gonna lose it all
Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're just a fool in love
Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're just a fool in love
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