It'll learn ya way better than in school

The grad school process is royally kicking my butt.

I don't think it has all that much to do with me. I can whip up a cover letter that can melt the hearts of the heartless. I can scrounge up some references (I have three so far) that will sing my praises. My GPA is good, and my GRE scores are pretty kick-@$&. And my involvement is pretty enviable (three leadership positions, three committees, and a play! woo for me!).

Then what is my problem?

First I went to a lunch-and-learn at the African American Cultural Center about living on one's own. Later tonight, I was leading a Fem Maj meeting today and talking with my lovely members (I love this year's crop of feminists!!!), and three of them are in grad school. This year, we've upped the freshman, grad schooler, and male involvement. I love being the president of such a cool group! And all those grad students were giving me tips on how to survive and all were being sweet..."Oh Alex, I know you will get in" and the like. But I am royally getting nervous. I'm normally pretty darn confident...but it's the anticipation that's making me nuts. I have to send off all those letters/applications and wait and wait and wait and then see what happens. Yes, I have all the creds. But there are people out there with EVEN MORE CREDS. What then? One of my RCSers, who is one of the smartest women I know, got WAITLISTED for a sociology program last year. I am nowhere near as smart as she is, and she has TONS more experience than me (keep in mind she is also in her 40s and is a pretty high-ranking advocate). What do I do if that happens? If they can turn HER down, what about me?

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that once those applications are out, I have no control over what they do next. I hate having no control. These next couple of weeks where I will be getting those applications out is going to make me wonder if this is hell and what I am doing in an Alex-sized handbasket.

So true...

"The advocate is one of the few people who has no desire to be needed."

Quote from the United Way conference I went to and especially fitting for my senior project. The conference was amazing, and I learned a lot about social services and partnering with different organizations. Also met many of the domestic advocates at A Woman's Place (they might be our sister organization, but I think we need to do more with them because they're a cool bunch and we could learn from each other).

But that quote is so true. I'm pretty sure that all of us wish our jobs didn't even have to exist.

Shall I compare thee to a grad school search?

To PhD or not to PhD?
That is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of five-plus years of grad school.
Or to take arms against this binding commitment, and by going for an MA, end it.
To go for MA, two years and no more, and by two years to say we avoid
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
That doctoral students are heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To go for MA, perchance to continue on.
Ay, there's the rub. For in that MA program, what possibilities may come
When we have finished our graduate thesis and may give us cause to continue.
There's the respect that eases the calamity of so long a study.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The professor's grades, the undergrads' inexperience,
The pangs of writing a dissertation, the committee's delay,
The difficulties of Higher Learning, and the spurns
That patient merit of the postgraduate takes
When she herself might her doctorate make
With a few more years? What would MA students do
To grunt and sweat under a weary load,
But that the dread of something after graduation,
That undiscovered country from whose bourne
Few return successful, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear the academic track that we have
Than fly to another that we know not of.
Thus indecision makes cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of going for an MA
Is sicklied o'er with the allure of the PhD.
And enterprises of great pith and moment,
With this regard their currents turn away
And lose the name of action.

But soft you now, the fair admissions office.
In thy judgments be all my accomplishments remembered.

---

Graduate school had better be worth all this.

Constant revelling: Of k. d. lang, the Amasong girls, and Sarah Palin

Okay, please forgive my pun on "Constant Craving." It's a good song that I don't do nearly enough justice to.

A conversation I had recently inspired this blog post. I was discussing all the concerts I had been to with two of my Feminists after we saw the divine Cherrie Moraga give a speech on campus. I was talking about how I saw k. d. lang last week and how I'm seeing Amy Ray next week. (If you can't see both Indigo Girls, then check out the harder-rocking of the two!) I love kathryn dawn and Amy. Their music is roots-rocking yet heartfelt, and they have beautiful voices and wicked guitar skillz. One of the girls, Danielle, said, "You know, I never really got into k.d. lang or the Indigo Girls. They're a little too influenced by country for my taste." I said, "Oh that's fine" since everyone's tastes are different. I don't expect everyone to like them (hell, if that were the case, I wouldn't have gotten my second row seats!). Then she continued, "But I like the fact that all three of them are out. Geez, I feel like such a bad lesbian--we're all supposed to like the Indigo Girls."

Now this was a little weird, seeing that every group is diverse enough to allow different tastes. (And I know some non-lesbians who like that group--heck, my dad owns all of their CDs and is constantly playing them. Although he's more of an Emily fan than an Amy one. Oh well.) I was going to say something, but then Christine spoke up. "Well, I consider myself a feminist and politically active," she responded, "but I've never gotten into Amasong. I think those girls have talent, but I don't really like world beat and think they could use their talents for something better." Amasong (http://www.amasong.org), for those of you who aren't from CU, is an all-girl chorus that does mostly international music, and they identify as some pretty hardcore feminists.

Now aren't we a little more varied than that? If our promotional phrase, "Feminists are the majority" is true, then we definitely have more diversity than one-size-fits-all tastes.So then I had to speak up. "Well, ladies, we're all women, right?" They agreed that this was so. And so I continued, "Well, one of the VP nominees is also a woman. But do any of us like Sarah Palin or want her in the White House?" Their responses were as expected--"Eeeeewww! No way!!" "Only as a visitor!" "How can you say that??!!" My response? "Well, in that case, I think we can agree that there is no one size fits all preference for any group!" Not every [insert category here] is alike. And who decides which group likes which things?

Please don't stop the music!

Well, looking back on it, I have a lot of songs/CDs referenced in here. I think I will make a list of all the ones I've done so far (with more to come as I add them). Most recent ones go first, older ones are last.

Act Naturally--song by the Beatles
I Don't Think I Know Me--written by Michael Clem, performed by Eddie From Ohio
Miracle Girl--song by the Lovemongers. Don't know the mongers? It's a side project of the girls in Heart during the 90s.
Barracuda--song by Heart, stolen by the Republican party
Let It Ride--song by Angie Heaton, a Chambana treasure
I am Woman--song by Helen Ready
Live Through This--album by Hole
Activity Grrrl--song by Joan Jett, may very well have been written about me
Alone--song by Heart
Feeling Good--song by Nina Simone, covered by Muse, butchered by Pussycat Dolls
I Fought the Law--song popularized by The Clash
Time of Inconvenience--song by Nanci Griffith
Sunny Came Home--song by Shawn Colvin, from album A Few Small Repairs
Summer Shudder--song by AFI
Summer Breeze--song by the ever-boring Seals and Crofts
Two Outta Three Ain't Bad--improved by Bonnie Tyler
Pieces of Me--song by Ashleigh Simpson
Fake Your Way to the Top--from the movie Dreamgirls
Oil to the World--parody of "Joy to the World"
Who says you can't go home?--song by Bon Jovi
Keep on rocking in the free world--song by Neil Young and his band Crazy Horse
Getting Better--song by the Beatles
Dancing Barefoot--song by Patti Smith
She's A Rebel--song by Green Day, revel-lutionized by me

Clarification

Okay, I figured I would offer you all some explanation. I noticed a lot of my posts seem to be about me whining or getting angry. First of all, I'm usually not an angry person and I don't think I whine all that much. I usually try to take some action on an issue before getting worked up over it.

The issues I've discussed are usually ones that I have little or no power over changing completely. While I'm the kind of woman who tries to make change in her own part of the world and then see if it spreads, I realize there are some things I will never be able to have or change. I know that as one medical/court room advocate, I won't be able to stop all the victim blaming or re-traumatization of my clients (and I know that I probably won't see a time when my services are no longer needed in my lifetime). I am fully aware that even though I don't want biological kids, those governmental guidelines still see me as "pre-pregnant" because I am the proud owner (for most of the month!) of two ovaries. And I know that some of the most scary or difficult times in my life were when I had no control over what was going on.

So when I discuss some issues that rattle or bother me, it's not just me whining or being unreasonable. They're things that matter to me, and it's usually because I have done all I could or am unable to make much of an impact.

Oh baby!

Well, here is yet another piece of news to add to Alex's Top Rantings. I swear, I've been on a feminist roll this whole day. First with unexpectedly playing Alex The Advocate in my first class (Ross asked me minutes before class started if I wouldn't mind handling disclosures during a presentation--which is fine by me, but I would've preferred advance notice), then ripping into Restoration-era sexual mores, and now this.

Apparantly there are some recent federal guidelines out regarding women's health. These guidelines instruct doctors to treat all women as either "pregnant" or "pre-pregnant" and to work with them accordingly. You can go here (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/05/15/AR2006051500875.html) to find the whole story about it, but this is truly a strange set of rules.

While I am totally in favor of making prenatal care more affordable and accessible for everyone (something that's especially needed in poorer and more racially diverse communities), I think that this is a little much. It seems to be taking that need and trying to "fix" it by using a snow shovel where a trowel is needed. The regulations require doctors to tell all women to stay away from certain things that could endanger the fetus or prospective fetus, but they don't really do much in terms of taking care of a pregnancy that's already there. That is where the need lies, since for nine months out of the year, a woman who's expecting needs to keep herself extra healthy. By telling a woman who isn't pregant and might not even be considering it what she can and can't do, there is little that gets accomplished. It's more or less reducing women to wombs and not much else. While I agree that childbirth is pretty important to many women, I think that this is simply assuming that all women are geared for that and not much else and treating them like baby incubators. What about women who physically cannot procreate? Can they be "pre" anything their bodies simply cannot do? Does that make sense? Can a lesbian be pre-pregnant? (And yes, I know several same-sex couples who have children, but they can't get each other pregnant.) And what about women who aren't planning to have children or who would like to adopt instead? Or women who have miscarried? I highly doubt a woman who has endured a miscarriage would like to hear about how she can protect another prospective fetus after that loss.

Can you imagine what would happen if the roles were reversed? It would be ridiculous! But sadly, this is pretty normal for a society that seems to be ignoring the pretty basic need for comprehensive sexual and reproductive health education (read my March post "Tease Squeeze Please" for more). The necessity lies in affordable health care and comprehensive education, not a one-size-fits-all public service announcement.

Not your baby

"Hey hey baby, what's your name?
You come by yourself, or are you with a friend?
Would it be okay if I buy you a drink?
And let's go back to my place when the night ends."


So I'm the grl to get down to the heart of the matter,

I'm walkin through this door like I own this joint,

Does that really make me a maneater?

Well, let's get right down and straight to the point.

You say I flirt, but what's your problem?
Would it really be better if I said nothing at all?
Do you really have to ogle my sparkly getup?
I'm not the kind of girl at your beck and call.


And your pedestal's not where I wanna be.
It's really tall, and this time I don't like heights.
And if I catch you looking up my micro-mini,
I'm jumping right down and startin a fight.

Am I really so tempting you can't help but seduce me?
Will it make you feel better to say that you tried?
And once the night is over, who you gonna brag to?
Do you think they're so stupid they won't know that you lied?


I can be forward, but do you have to respond?
Or are you just hard-wired to play my game?
You think you're so cool you can have me anytime,
But I've seen your kind before, and you're all the same.

And all I gotta do is...act naturally

I am taking this one class that I particularly love. It's called "Bodies and Technologies in Popular Culture," and it is great fun. We take all of this pop-psychology/biology stuff and then rip its logic into a billion little bits and prove it as wrong as wearing socks with sandals or raising a fuss over Y2K.

This class could not have come at a better time for me. It has always fascinated (as well as annoyed!) me when I hear people talking about how certain groups act this way and other groups act that way because "it's in their nature." From listening to folks like these, you'd think all humans consisted of were animalistic, base instincts and uncontrollable urges...and nothing more. All nature. No culture. And if anything, the 21st century has a combination of the most amazing cultures the world has ever seen; yet we still have some pretty darn vocal voices saying that people only behave in the way "their nature" dictates they should. Even more ridiculous is when folks start using examples from nature to illustrate why certain things are the way they are.

Phrases like those are not limited to today. Throughout history, we have seen discrimination unfold just because the dominant group (read: heterosexual, well-off, middle-aged white males) saw it as each of the minority groups' "natural place" to be below them. The folks who opposed abolition back in the 1800s used the disgusting argument that it was simply in the nature of the blacks to toil for long hours without any recompensation or humane treatment. And the disgusting practice continued until it was formally outlawed at the federal level. Women were first considered the property of either their husbands or their fathers, and they were encouraged to limit their life goals to "wife and mother" because (big surprise) they were told it was natural. (While there is nothing wrong with getting married and having kids, there is everything wrong with pushing that on everyone and not allowing them to have any dreams that happen to be different.)

The above historical examples sound horrendously antiquated, don't they? Then why do we still hear cr*p like that nowadays? Ladies' mags churn out new "scientific findings" justifying all kinds of BS: that men are "hard-wired" to cheat because it's in their instincts to produce as many offspring as possible (which is a little insulting to men, don't you think?), that women can sense when things are going wrong from the onset of something, that bad boys get more action because women are hard-wired not to resist them, etc. etc. Stuff like this is patronizing at best (by saying that basically we're just a bunch of raging hormones/instincts and not much else) and gross at worst. That first example, about how people are "instinctively" wired to want to procreate as much as possible has been used to justify a ton of hideous and completely untrue claims. At Sex Out Loud, the chastity group told Planned Parenthood (what were they thinking saying this to Planned Parenthood???) that contraceptives interfered with women's innate desire to be sexually pure (funny, I don't see anyone having a relationship with the actual pill) and yet also interfered with their "natural" role to bear children. Hmmm. I would have thought thinking and making one's own decisions was "natural" (including knowing when/if you wanted to reproduce). Then, at an RCS-sponsored event, one of the male advocates and I were fielding questions from the audience, and this one idiot stood up and was telling us that our rape victim advocacy work was conflicting with men's "biological nature" to father as many children as possible, even if it was by force. I was all set to let that guy have it, but before I could do anything, my cohort verbally eviscerated the sexist pig, saying that his views were really unfair to men as well as women! (I think it meant more coming from another guy, and Jack did one heckuva job as always.) I've also heard from well-meaning (I think?) individuals that because something existed in the animal kingdom, it was true for humans. Statements about how male animals are the aggressive and strong ones and that female ones are the nurturing ones. It makes me wonder if they have confused the species, because last time I checked, people are quite different from wild animals.

My response has usually been, "Okay, I think we've all evolved since then." I honestly don't think humanity is in a stagnant state that never changes, and if you know anything about history, you know that it is simply full of changes (good lord, that's a lot of change--I must be sounding like Barack Obama or something!). Or I say that I think we have more than just a bundle of instincts and hormones. In response to the animal thing, I've usually counter it with some witty (and sometimes crass) remarks that are just as true. You wanna talk about how males are dominant in nature? Let me tell you about nature! With lions, the lionesses do the hunting and are the stronger and fiercer ones. And with some kinds of bugs the female mates with the male and then eats him! (You should see the look I get for that one!)

Maybe people like those could be right in a way. By being so unenlightened, maybe they're the ones who haven't evolved and who haven't used much more than their instincts and big mouths. But really, you'd think statements like those would be deemed as the ridiculosity they are and not accepted at face value.

I don't think I know me as well as I thought I did

Well, I've always been faithful
To my dog--and my wife.
And I've always tried to lead the responsible
Kind of life.
And I always pay my utilities,
And usually on time.
And I mow the lawn on Saturdays
With a gin and tonic, and a squeeze of lime.

But yesterday I STOLE A CAR!
Took it for a drive.
I didn't take it very far.
Just around the block....
All right, a couple times.

I don't think I know me as well as I thought I did.

Well, I've always believed in
Every word that Jesus said.
You know, "do unto others and
You will be Jesus-led."
And I've always attended the local church
At the top of the hill.
And I say all my prayers,
I will go to Heaven.
At least I pray that I will.

But yesterday in my neighbor's yard,
I stole my neighbor's bike!
And I DON'T INTEND TO GIVE THE HARLEY BACK!
It occurs to me...
That's not very Christian-like.

I don't think I know me as well as I thought I did.

Well, now I am a good driver.
I watch my speed,
And I check both ways.
And my family takes picnics to the park
On warm weather holidays.
And we ask all the neighbors,
And they invite all their friends and kind.
And they all bring side dishes,
And we form one big holiday buffet line.

But yesterday was Independence Day!
At 85 MILES AN HOUR--
I PLOWED THAT HARLEY THROUGH THE BUFFET LINE!
It occurs to me...

I don't think I know me as well as I thought I did.
I don't think I know me as well as I thought I did.

--Michael Clem

There's a light at the end of the tunnel!

Well...the White Sox just clinched the series and will be heading to the playoffs, Teatro Luna comes tomorrow to perform "MACHOS", I got a decent GRE score on the practice test (this had better be the same on the real thing on Friday), Biden will almost certainly wipe the floor with Palin during the debates (hate is a strong word, but I really really REALLY don't like that woman), I have set up some dates to come back in to La Casa over winter break, and I single-handedly fixed my computer without having to bother the Cites people.

There is hope for me yet!

Now hopefully that hope transfers to Friday at least, when I take that GRE for real! Although it would be nice to keep it for the rest of the year too...

I think that light at the end of the tunnel is fireworks. Specifically Sox Park fireworks after they win!