An Open Letter to "Concerned" Women for America

It's open letter time! And I am not linking to the original source that gave me this information, as I don't wish to give them the publicity. But as both a crisis worker and as a pro-choice activist, I couldn't let this slide. As a side note, unless otherwise specified, the sexual assault survivors I am referring to are female. While I know that men are also victims of abuse, women are primarily the ones who are victimized by it.

Dear "Concerned" Women for America,

Who do you think you're kidding when you say that abortion is a "cure-all for rape"?!

I mean it. Honestly, do you really think anyone is fooled by your stating to be "concerned" when your actions and words say the exact opposite? And who in their right mind would see anything as a "cure-all" for rape?

I'm a professionally trained rape crisis worker. In April, I will have been one for five years. I've provided support and guidance to nearly one hundred women and men seeking assistance in the aftermath of abuse, helped with support groups for traumatized populations, and have trained victims' advocates to do the same. My thesis was on the history and politics of the anti-rape movement, and I have successfully planned and facilitated two panel discussions surrounding reproductive justice. So, in other words, "concerned" women, I am no lightweight when it comes to both of the subjects you are discussing.

And I do have some empathy and concern for women in America. However, judging from your language in that letter, I think that what you mean by concerned and what I mean by concerned are two very different things. As a crisis worker, I have a lot of concern for the women I work with every day. After all, rape is a crime that takes choice and consent away from its victims. Who wouldn't feel concerned about that? However, as an advocate, I know that there is no "cure-all" for rape. The only cure for rape that I see is if it never happened, ever.

But let's look at your reasoning, "concerned" women. No one is doubting that a pregnancy as a result of rape is difficult, and no one would disagree on the importance of preventing the crime and punishing perpetrators. Those are things that you and I can agree on. However, your saying that abortion merely deals with the "physical consequences," is really doing a huge disservice for women who may be traumatized, scared, AND pregnant. For many (I understand, not all) women, ending a pregnancy that they in no way wanted or planned for can be a HUGE relief and a huge saving grace for them. Try thinking a mile in their shoes. Can you imagine being traumatized due to sexual assault...and living with the reminder of the rape for nine months? Can you imagine keeping the child and dealing with a living reminder of the assault? For the women who may be pregnant due to rape, it can be a nightmare dealing with this additional issue. Abortion is not simply "dealing with the physical consequences." For many women, it can help them to restore their choices. You even said it in your letter: "pregnancies under these difficult circumstances need an extra measure of compassion and support." Compassion and support includes not judging a woman's choice, even if that choice doesn't involve carrying a pregnancy to term.

A welfare rights group once said it best: "The right to choose is a poor woman's right to life." The welfare rights organizations were among some of the first pro-choice allies in the days when abortion was illegal. They knew the importance of making one's own decisions, especially for women who did not have the needed resources to either keep their child or the connections needed to secure a safe illegal abortion. They also knew the tremendous importance of promoting all women's autonomy. You may do well to think on that.

And for the record, I would be much more open to my tax dollars paying to assist one of my low income sisters get a safe, LEGAL medical procedure than for my tax dollars to pay for killing already-born, full grown adults in two wars.

Trusting women always (in the words of the martyred Dr. George Tiller),

Revel

Just...don't

I re-read "I am not here to please you" today. I still believe it, but I just wanted to add a little something I realized just now.

Not only are their statements about my personal life invalidating my desires, they could also really be a HUGE source of pain for someone in a different situation! I mean, a "compliment" about "a little you running around" could really sting for someone who's infertile, or a "future mother" comment could be painful for someone who was turned down as an adoptive parent. And nine months of being "so cute pregnant" is not exactly reason for altering your whole life once that pregnancy is done. They don't know all the details and could really wind up causing someone a lot of pain.

Pre-suppositions are just plain rude. Don't do it.

I am not here to please you

Readers, I would like to draw your attention to a particular little issue that has really been annoying me for quite some time, only I wasn't quite sure about how to word it. Have you ever held a certain belief/preference for your life, only to find that others don't share that view? Of course, not everyone is inclined to agree with everyone! Then, when others find out that you don't share their views, they react with an unbelievably backhanded comment saying that you'd be "sooo good" at whatever it is they think you should be doing?

I really have found it so hard to answer that. Sure, I like to give and receive compliments. Who doesn't? However, it can be really tough to answer when someone is saying you'd be good at something you just do not want. It's almost as though they are justifying their disregard for your interests with a compliment.

Let's look at a few examples from my own life. I've been single and partnered at many instances of my life. During none of my single stages (including now) have I been unhappy in any way with being single. I'm actually pretty comfortable with myself no matter what. And I don't have any kids. I'm not sure if I want kids, but if I do, I'm leaning towards the adopting or fostering route. No problem with that. But whenever I get any questions about my personal life, it seems like people have absolutely no problem telling me what they think I should be doing, even if that's what I don't particularly want. And that really irks me. Some of the little gems I've received:

"Oh, that's too bad you're single. You're so pretty, you'd make someone a great girlfriend!"

"You don't want kids? Sounds like the words of a future mother!"

"But I'd love to see a little you running around! And you'd be so cute pregnant!"

Honestly, how do you even answer those?? It's like they're using their "compliments" to hide disregard for your feelings. And when you think about it, those aren't really compliments because they're judging me by what they want me to be and do, not what I already am and do. I mean, they're not going to get me wanting what I don't, so I don't understand their rationale. But how do I answer them? I've tried saying, "Thanks," but then I feel disingenuous, like I just validated their invasive comment. I've tried saying, "Thanks, but that's probably not going to happen," to get some pretty heated "I'm just being nice!" in response. (Note: That's not "nice.") Usually, I just change the subject.

But I really don't get it. That's a big part of why I try to remember things about people, things they already are proud of, and compliment them on that. Maybe it's best they tried to do the same.

Gertrude Stein, eat ya heart out!

From Four Saints in Three Acts by Gertrude Stein:

Pigeons on the grass, alas
Pigeons on the grass, alas

From Alex watching as the Red Line leaves Argyle Street Station in Chicago:

Pigeons on the el, what the hell?

From Alex, horrified that a certain pigeon didn't get out of the train's way in time:

Pigeon on the el...oh well

My corner of the world

It never fails to amaze me.

When I'm at my workplace or with my friends and graduate cohort or at coalition, I feel like me. I can talk openly about my love for feminist theory and activism, go to Occupy Chicago and really feel good about it (the teach-in's are terrific), feel content in my singlehood and with my anti-normative relationship views, and not feel as though I have to fit some sort of precut mold of what a woman should be.

When I'm in Union Station heading home from class or at the Amtrak station heading home from coalition, I can't help but notice all the magazines detailing how to catch/keep/maintain a man, plan your wedding so it's like THE best day of your life (how scary for things to go downhill after that!), prevent your bio clock from ticking out, or do your hair, clothes, and makeup so you look like a clone of all the other women on the covers of all the magazines.

And I realize that either I am immune to mainstream society's messages or in a truly special corner of the world. Or both.

The Doctor Could Fly

The Doctor
By David Hunt

I once had a minor case of African flu
So I sent for a doctor who would know what to do
A stranger came to see me and he said he had the cure
But he had no credentials so I wasn't too sure
He claimed he was a doctor and he knew how to fly!
But no one believed him until he took to the sky
He flew up and down for everybody to see
And that's how he proved he was a doctor to me

Oh, the doctor who knew how to fly!
Every one of his patients somehow managed to die!
I'm sure a lot of people would have seen through his lie
If they weren't so impressed because the doctor could fly!

He poked and he prodded me with pieces of straw
He depressed my tongue, and then he made me say "aah!"
He took my pulse, and then my temperature
He looked at it once and then again to be sure
He said I was only sixty-six degrees
And I needed some heat or else my blood would freeze
He reached in his bag, and then he drew forth a pill
He said if this one doesn't do it then another one ... might!

Oh, the doctor who knew how to fly!
Every one of his patients somehow managed to die!
I'm sure a lot of people would have seen through his lie
If they weren't so impressed because the doctor could fly!

I woke up feeling twice as bad the next day
"Relax!" he said, "that means it's going away!
I'll give you this pill, do you want purple or green?
They're all from the same supermarket vending machine!"

Oh, the doctor who knew how to fly!
Every one of his patients somehow managed to die!
I'm sure a lot of people would have seen through his lie
If they weren't so impressed because the doctor could fly!

Of course there's a moral, as you may have guessed
Every claim must be put to a legitimate test
Remember this when someone tries to prove theirs to you
The flying man who couldn't cure a case of the flu

Oh, the doctor who knew how to fly!
Every one of his patients somehow managed to die!
Remember this when someone tries to throw you a line
It doesn't really matter if he knows how to fly!

In defense of Thanksgiving

Hey all, my apologies for not blogging more frequently (or at all!) in October. That month had some very personal difficult issues for me, so every time I began to write, I found myself somewhat overwhelmed. Now I am at a place where I can go back to blogging...

Yesterday was Halloween. I love Halloween! Costumes, candy, and celebrations are always something to look forward to. It's so much fun to get dressed up and to go out (this year I was Miss Viola Swamp from the kids' book Miss Nelson Is Missing! and I was pretty darn evil, if you ask me). After Halloween, I like to pick up any discounted candy or accoutrements, as they are all on sale.

HOWEVER...I was so not too pleased when I was shopping this past September, early-ish in the month. I went to the mall, and what did I see? Not back to school deals, not Halloween decor, not Thanksgiving, but rather...CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS! Yes! Three whole months before Christmas, and the trees and wreaths abounded. In October, when I was picking up trick-or-treat candy to pass out, I saw Santas and reindeer all over. Even in some of the small shops like Claire's or Hot Topic. Now it is November, and every store has Christmas merchandise in it.

Now don't get me wrong. I am no Grinch, and I absolutely love Christmas. However...

WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED TO THANKSGIVING???

Did somebody forget that there's another holiday coming up? And no, I do not mean the Eve of Black Friday. I mean a day for celebrating with family and friends. Expressing an attitude of gratitude. (And yes, I know the actual origins of the Thanksgiving holiday were pretty far-removed from the rosy picture you get in grade school, but I do think a day dedicated to gratitude and appreciation is important.)

What happened to Thanksgiving???

For a thankful revel, this will not do. At all. I hereby declare that I will not put up any Christmas decor until I have finished enjoying Thanksgiving. I will not put on any Christmas music until turkey day is done. I will wear my turkey and cornucopia pins rather than anything that seems like it's a month too early. And I will make it a point to enjoy November's holiday for what it is as opposed to rushing through it on the way to Christmas. I will be a friend of Thanksgiving and give it the appreciation it deserves.