Shirts, shoes, and the shield laws

And now ANOTHER ridiculous fashion article for you!

Apparently that love-a-ly (note my sarcasm) rag Men's Health has an article called "You Might be Dressed for Sex and Not even Know it." Hmmm....I could've sworn people knew when they wanted someone, as opposed to a hookup just happening all out of the blue and all. When someone tells you, "It just happened," well, it sounds just as pathetic no matter who says it. That article's title is pretty dumb, as it sounds like a really creepy rape myth or something like that (ever hear of the shield laws, that said that what you wear is not a reason for people to attack you? If I could hug the shield laws, I so would).

But take a gander at these examples of what women could be wearing and the messages they "are sending:" (This is not their exact wording but rather my interpretation of it.)

A belted dress or skirt
I'm totally old-fashioned and ladylike, and I don't mind having you make all the decisions for me or support what you think I should do. I'd be more than happy to do your bidding as long as you wore the pants and won the bread and brought home the bacon in this relationship.

A soft, snug sweater
I'm cute and cuddly and am totally up for you talking to me like I'm two years old. After all, I need a big strong man to put me in my place, and hopefully you're up for the job.

High heels
Hey you! Yes, you! Over there! I'm totally screaming for attention without saying a word. And of course, my shoes have to do the talking for me because I am in so much blistering pain that I can't possibly walk over to talk to you myself.

Something red
I'm a dirty little girl who just wants attention. It doesn't matter who it's from. After all, aren't guys like bulls, attracted to the color red?

Revealing v-neck
Don't blame me, blame my skanky ovaries. When it's that time of the month, I'm supposed to show off some more. Lucky you, huh?

A top that reveals a bra strap
I'm such a clever little girl that I'm putting subliminal messages into your head. You can see my bra? Good, now try and imagine what I look like in it...and with it off.

Now, how ri-damn-diculous is this? What about the real reasons why women wear these?

A belted dress or skirt
If I don't wear a belt with the skirt, it will fall down, and frankly, you didn't pay to see that show. Plus, this is a formal occaision and wearing anything else will look totally out of place.

A soft, snug sweater
It's, like, a million degrees below zero and if I don't wear a sweater, I will freeze to death.

High heels
I'm wearing the heels to go with that belted dress or skirt I mentioned earlier. It's more formal and looks more professional than if I had on athletic shoes or flip flops.

Something red
It's my favorite color, and it came in my size. Deal with it.

Revealing v-neck
The tank top I usually wear with it is in the wash right now. And I like the way it looks.

A top that reveals a bra strap
When I found this top in the clearance rack, I didn't know how badly it fit until I put it on. I'm burning it when I get home. No, actually, I'm spraying you with my pepper spray first because you're ogling me. Then I will take it home and burn it.

And what about men's clothes? Let's try and make a men's variation of it. After all, women have hormones and desires too. Are the men unknowingly dressed for a woman to have her way with them?

A polo shirt and khakis
I'm incredibly traditional and preppy and will make all the money and decisions for this family. You don't have to worry your pretty little head about voting or working or going outside the home. I've got that all taken care of.

Jeans so low that they reveal boxers
I'm such a clever little boy that I'm putting subliminal messages into your head. You can see my boxers? Good, now try and imagine what I look like in them...and with them off.

A tailored suit
I'm really hot. And damn it, I know I'm so hot that you've just got to look at me. And come over to me in your high heels. And come home with me...

Now doesn't this sound dumb....it does, as much as the women's one sounds! Seriously, are we as women considered to have so little agency or ability to express ourselves that apparantly have our clothes do the talking? And did you notice that up until my little post about the menfolk, that no one ever thinks a guy is sending a message that he might not be intending to. Heck, I'm pretty sure most guys don't even think this way or feel they have to justify what they have on.