Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right

Readers, let me draw your attention to the biggest laugh I've had in a while. It is called The Rules and is a collection of advice from writers Ellen Fein and Sherry Schneider. If you think playing hard to get is soooo last millennium, think again and read on. Basically, The Rules is a book that advises women to play hard to get and make their boyfriends do everything for them in order "to capture his heart." To me, it sounds like just about everything one should NOT do. I'm not a boy, and I'm not at all traditional or romantic, but these just go against plain old common sense. Here are some of the highlights, with my annotation in italics.

02: Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)
Um, what if he's shy? If you don't make an effort to be friendly and sociable, guess what? He's going to think you're unfriendly and antisocial and not ask YOU to dance!
04: Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
Honey, what are you dating? A man or a meal ticket?
05: Don't Call Him & Rarely Return His Calls
That's not playing hard to get, that's plain rude! If you don't return his calls, he's going to think you're not interested. You must make an effort to get an effort.
07: Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday
I can see this rule working if you're both busy or if you really don't like him. Otherwise, what's wrong with seeing him again?
08: Fill Up Your Time before the Date
Surprise, surprise, this one actually makes sense.
09: How to Act on Dates 1,2, & 3 End the date first especially if you like him.
Well, you have to like him, otherwise you wouldn't be spending so much time with him.
12: Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day
This is the biggest bunch of BS I've heard. It shouldn't be about romance, it should be about what's personal. If you have allergies to pollen, flowers are hardly an ideal gift. If you're socially conscious and concerned about illicit financing for conflicts, diamonds are a terrible choice. That is hardly something to break up over. If there's something you've needed and are terribly interested in, don't whine if he gets it for you instead of getting you a bouquet. Don't break up, just buy the flower or candy for yourself! If you've made him pay for all your dates, Rules Girl, you should have enough money saved up to do that.
15: Don't Rush into Sex & Other Rules for Intimacy
I am not going to comment, as I don't care what you do and who you do it with. Just keep it consensual and adult, okay?
17: Let Him Take the Lead
Honey, this is the twenty-first century. It's okay to have your way sometimes. Just don't become bossy and mean.
20: Be Honest but Mysterious
You guys do need to know something about each other, or else you'll find out that you're hardly what the other wants. And by not telling him about yourself, it isn't intriguing, it's kind of stand-offish and rude.
23: Don't Date a Married Man
This one makes sense. Double surprise.
25: Don't tell Your Therapist You're doing The Rules
Well, of course you won't tell your therapist you're doing The Rules. If you did, she'd up your prescription because anyone who thinks these rules will work needs as much professional help as they can get.
26: Even if You're Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules
Honey, you never needed them in the first place.
27: Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends & Parents Think It's Nuts
It's not your friends and parents who find it nuts. It's everyone with a working brain.
30: NEXT! & Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection
There's only one rule for dealing with rejection. Lose this book and get some chocolate! Hell, if it's urgent, come find me and I'll give you the chocolate and a hug. And I won't preach on and on about how you should've done a bunch of silly rules.

The best and most ironic part of this is...the credentials of the authors! Are they psychologists? Are they social workers or teachers? Wait, are they marriage counselors or sex therapists? Noooo---they're...both divorced! See how fabulously effective making and following the rules is? Schadenfreude to the extreme!