I do? I don't!

I read this story today, and it really disgusted me: http://www.shakesville.com/2013/10/the-trifecta-of-no.html  Please read it before you continue with this post.

I was really disgusted to read the article for a number of reasons, but probably the first of them is just how dis-empowering such a gesture really is.  As much as I ought to be happy for Simone here, I couldn't help but feel really awful for her.  Here she was, thinking she had gotten the opportunity of a lifetime to discuss her non-profit and passion for so many people, only to have it become about someone else.  While a marriage proposal is indeed a big thing, I think there is a time and a place for everything, and this wasn't the place.  It really seemed cruel, as her partner set up the interview and turned it around to become about him and his wants as opposed to her passion and wants.

I also can't stand how it reinforced a common trope that's really been grating on me for a while.  Clearly, Simone was excited to talk about "her organization and giving back to the community."  Hell, as a non-profiteer, I would've found that a lot more interesting than a public proposal (and really hope she  gets a legit interview to make up for this total con).  That trope is that no matter how successful a woman is, or how many people she helps, the most important thing about her isn't any of that, but rather her relationship status.  Seems like she already had quite a full and fulfilling life before this public proposal, but rather than focus on her successes and what she's clearly passionate about, it was superseded by this public proposal.  She's clearly helped a lot of people, but yet her boyfriend thought it was more important that they get engaged right there on national TV.  And she didn't even get the chance to talk about all the people she helped or the work her nonprofit does.

This trope is so damaging because it reduces women to one aspect of their lives, as opposed to celebrating all the things that make them who they are.  While marriage can be a wonderful thing, it's certainly not the only wonderful thing in someone's life.  And it's certainly not the only thing worth celebrating or acknowledging.  Like I've mentioned here on this blog many times, I've definitely felt slighted when people's interest seemed to drop as soon as I answered their question, "Are you dating anyone?" or "Are you married?" with "No, I'm not even looking."  At that point, many of them just had no more questions to ask me--not about my career as a passionate advocate and powerhouse fundraiser (ask me about the dinner dance), not about the master's degree I completed with a 3.9 GPA while working full time, not about the books I'm reading (come on!  I was an English major!!), not about my artistic projects (holiday revelry is coming in two months! care to help?), not about my travels (I travel America by train!) nothing.  It hurts.  (Meanwhile, my married or coupled friends get all the interest in the world for the most mundane things in their lives!  If I can pay attention while you talk about when you and your spouse go grocery shopping, you can pay attention to the details of my thesis defense.  I promise you won't be bored!)  Sometimes, I feel as though adding a partner to the mix would make people pay attention to me or take an interest in me like they do my coupled friends.  I've wondered about that, but I wouldn't want to use that partner just to make people pay attention to me.  That trope is really harmful, and I really wish that this story weren't framed in a way that celebrates it rather than shows it for what it is.  Just look at the title of that video.  There's nothing about the opportunity to share about her non-profit (she even practiced the questions with her partner), nor about what she does.  It's just about how "she says yes."

Well, I haven't been in a relationship for two years now, but even though I have no partner, I know exactly what I'd say if I were in that situation.  No "I do" for me--it's a case of "I don't"!  Because that's what anyone who took away my moment from me would get!

The snake in the bamboo

There is an old story about a snake who, while gliding its way through the forest, comes upon a long bamboo stick. The snake had never seen such a thing before and, being curious, stuck its head into the opening. The inside of the bamboo stick was dark and the snake found the shape of the stick quite challenging to work its way through. The snake began to feel anxious, grief-stricken, and eventually a little depressed that it was now stuck inside this foreign, very tight, shadowy object. However, once the snake's body was completely inside of the bamboo stick, it realized that it could not back out. It could only move forward, in the dark, and straighten itself out before it could reach the other side.

Hunted

It's not that I can't handle not being in charge
But rather that I never asked for this.
I feel your eyes on me, though I can't see you
And I strongly sense something is amiss.

After years of chasing what I desire,
I find myself paralyzed in your crossfire.
I don't want to be hunted, but I don't want to hide
I just want to send you running right out of my life.

It's not that I don't desire romance
But rather that I don't want it with you.
You're a part of my life that stays in the past
There's no present and no future too.

You're someone I wish I had never met.
I can't see you, but you've broken my will
No one else remembers, but I can't forget
It's been years and I feel unsafe still

After years of chasing what I desire,
I find myself paralyzed in your crossfire.
I don't want to be hunted, but I don't want to hide
I just want to send you running right out of my life.

Spare me your words, I don't want to hear
You'll find that this game is no longer fun
You messed with the wrong girl cause I'm out of fear
I'm standing up strong and I will make you run.

Get the hell out of here, or I'll chase you away
There really is nothing more that I can say
No one else remembers, but you won't forget
When you've done something you'll live to regret.

After years of chasing what I desire,
I find myself paralyzed in your crossfire.
I don't want to be hunted, but I don't want to hide
I just want to send you running right out of my life.
And you will be running right out of my life!

(C) Revel With a Cause Productions

Ain't gonna be your tattoo

Just what I said wrong is anybody's guess
But the bruise on my face was as blue as my dress
Broken bottles on the table, broken lamp on the floor
Couple thousand miles from my bed to the door
Lipstick on his cheek from my last kiss
Took a ten from his wallet, left the maid a tip

Ain't gonna be your tattoo, ain't gonna be your tattoo
End up faded and blue
Ain't gonna be your tattoo
Ain't gonna be your tattoo, ain't gonna be your tattoo
End up faded and blue
Ain't gonna be your tattoo

Slipped out of the room, tryin' not to be seen
Only sound was the old ice machine
 I was feeling so scared, nowhere to go

How did my life end up so low?

They say 30's young, but I'm feelin' old

That's when the night got even colder.

Ain't gonna be your tattoo, ain't gonna be your tattoo
End up faded and blue
Ain't gonna be your tattoo
Ain't gonna be your tattoo, ain't gonna be your tattoo
End up faded and blue
Ain't gonna be your tattoo

And I looked so pretty on his arm
Never thought he meant to do me harm

Well, I picked up a ride, right into Reno
He got us a room above the casino
The music was loud, and the drinks were cheap
But I knew that night I wasn't getting no sleep

Then I got the fear all over again
When I saw that drawing all over his skin

Ain't gonna be your tattoo, ain't gonna be your tattoo
End up faded and blue
Ain't gonna be your tattoo

Ain't gonna be your tattoo, ain't gonna be your tattoo
End up faded and blue
Ain't gonna be your tattoo
Performed by Shemekia Copeland

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Anyone else feel this way as a young professional?  I sometimes feel that no matter how hard I work or assertive I am or qualified I am, folks who are older than me will still find a way to diminish all that I've worked for or assume that they know what is best for me (even though they just met me!).

So here is an open letter for most of the 40+ year olds that have been driving me up the wall!  I figured I'd put this out here for all, so if you see a behavior of yours on the list, you know to quit doing it.

• I'm not the new intern or the cleaning service at the place where I work.  I have yet to see a maintenance professional wear openwork tights and pencil skirts to do her job, and I haven't been an intern in over half a decade.  I'm a professional with two degrees and a committee and six years of experience under my belt, and I was before I even met you.  Please ask me what my title is instead of assuming that the grant writer must be older to write so well.
• I don't work at the store where you're shopping.  You'll notice that I'm not wearing a nametag like the employees of the store.  Please find one of them if you're looking for something.  I am here to shop just like you are, and I don't really need my errands interrupted because you don't know the layout of the store or wish to ask someone who actually works there.  My age doesn't put me in a permanent status of servant.
• I REALLY am not out to steal your spouse!  I'll bet dollars to donuts that your spouse doesn't want me either.  Therefore, there is no reason why you need to hover around your spouse at a fundraiser we're both at as though you think I'm going to pull out a ring I made and propose right there on the spot.  I am no threat to you or your relationship. I'm simply at the fundraiser to well, raise funds.
•  And along that logic, I don't want to be set up with your kid or grandkid who is the same age as me.  You are not a dating service, and even if I was looking, after the condescending way you treated me, I would not want to have you as an in-law.
• I don't think it's a compliment when you tell me I'm not like those other 20-somethings you know.  You realize that to give this compliment to me, you're insulting people like me, right?  I'm sure that many of them have some admirable qualities and some problematic ones.  Like me.  I'm not an exceptional young person.  I'm a human young person, full of faults and successes and eccentricities like everyone else.
• I'm not a living example of whatever pop culture tells you about young adults.  I don't live my life like I belong on Girls (I don't even like Lena Dunham).  I don't crush on glittery vampires (though I wear a good deal of glitter when I go to concerts or dancing).  The great cartoonist Jackie Ormes said "I draw people, not stereotypes."  Well, I think I can paraphrase that to "I'm a person, not a stereotype."  Try to listen to me before making a judgment.
• I do have problems.  We all have problems.  So don't say, "You're young, what could you possibly have to worry about?"  We all have something to worry about at any age.  So don't assume that a young person's life is perfect. 

So there you have it.  Readers, have you ever experienced these before?  If I left anything out, let me know!  And for those of you who may recognize these actions, just stop.  Thanks.

Hey Illinois!

We may not have won in the summer, but I'm hoping that we get the marriage equality soon now that DOMA has been ruled unconsitutional (and hopefully ENDA even sooner).  So here goes my own rebel yell and song parody in favor of equality.  (Billy Idol will just have to forgive me.)

Hey Illinois, what you gonna do?
Hey Illinois, all eyes are now on you.
Hey Massachusetts, show us how it's done.
Hey Massachusetts, you were number one.
Hey Illinois, do the right thing!

It's a nice day to live the dream
It's a nice day for a gay wedding
It's a nice day to live the dream

Hey Illinois, it would be sublime
Hey Illinois, Iowa turned out fine
Hey Illinois, do the right thing! (Oh yeah!)
Hey Illinois, marriage equality now
Hey Illinois, do the right thing!

It's a nice day to live the dream
Come on, it's a nice day for a gay wedding
It's a nice day to live the dream!

(Pick it up.)

Do the right thing!

Hey Illinois, equality is great
Hey Illinois, we need it in our state
We've all been waiting for so long, so long
We've all been waiting for so long, so long
We've been patient for so long

It's a nice day to live the dream
Come on, it's a nice day for a gay wedding
It's a nice day to live the dream!

We need fair in this world
We need safe in this world
We need equality in this world
We need equality in this world
Help create equality in this world
Do the right thing!

It's a nice day to live the dream
Come on, it's a nice day for a gay wedding
It's a nice day to live the dream!
Do the right thing!

(C) Revel With A Cause Productions

Crazy and Brave

Pulled into Memphis
It was just breaking dawn
Saw the neon of Beale Street
And it would not be long

Till I danced to the blues
At all of the clubs
I let the sweet sounds move me
The music I loved

The men stared and watched me
Like I was somethin' else
The women were astounded
That I'd come here myself

Cause I'm brave and I'm crazy
Crazy and brave
I'm just brave and I'm crazy
Crazy and brave

Went to the Grand Canyon
Hiked myself down
Saw trees and rocks and colors
As I looked all around.

This was my moment
I'd wanted for years
The view was my prize
It moved me to tears.

Wandered down the trail
Past the rest home
The other hikers stood confounded
That I'd done this alone

Cause I'm brave and I'm crazy
Crazy and brave
I'm just brave and I'm crazy
Crazy and brave

Headed back on the train
For thirty-two hours
Through sunshine and darkness
And occasional showers

Heard a lady complain
That I was looking for harm
That solo travel was scary
And cause for alarm

Well, I held my head high
I tried not to debate it
Cause if I didn't adventure
I know I would hate it!

Cause I'm brave and I'm crazy
Crazy and brave
I'm just brave and I'm crazy
Crazy and brave

I'm brave and I'm crazy
Crazy and brave
I'm just brave and I'm crazy
Crazy and brave

(C) Revel With A Cause Productions