I do? I don't!

I read this story today, and it really disgusted me: http://www.shakesville.com/2013/10/the-trifecta-of-no.html  Please read it before you continue with this post.

I was really disgusted to read the article for a number of reasons, but probably the first of them is just how dis-empowering such a gesture really is.  As much as I ought to be happy for Simone here, I couldn't help but feel really awful for her.  Here she was, thinking she had gotten the opportunity of a lifetime to discuss her non-profit and passion for so many people, only to have it become about someone else.  While a marriage proposal is indeed a big thing, I think there is a time and a place for everything, and this wasn't the place.  It really seemed cruel, as her partner set up the interview and turned it around to become about him and his wants as opposed to her passion and wants.

I also can't stand how it reinforced a common trope that's really been grating on me for a while.  Clearly, Simone was excited to talk about "her organization and giving back to the community."  Hell, as a non-profiteer, I would've found that a lot more interesting than a public proposal (and really hope she  gets a legit interview to make up for this total con).  That trope is that no matter how successful a woman is, or how many people she helps, the most important thing about her isn't any of that, but rather her relationship status.  Seems like she already had quite a full and fulfilling life before this public proposal, but rather than focus on her successes and what she's clearly passionate about, it was superseded by this public proposal.  She's clearly helped a lot of people, but yet her boyfriend thought it was more important that they get engaged right there on national TV.  And she didn't even get the chance to talk about all the people she helped or the work her nonprofit does.

This trope is so damaging because it reduces women to one aspect of their lives, as opposed to celebrating all the things that make them who they are.  While marriage can be a wonderful thing, it's certainly not the only wonderful thing in someone's life.  And it's certainly not the only thing worth celebrating or acknowledging.  Like I've mentioned here on this blog many times, I've definitely felt slighted when people's interest seemed to drop as soon as I answered their question, "Are you dating anyone?" or "Are you married?" with "No, I'm not even looking."  At that point, many of them just had no more questions to ask me--not about my career as a passionate advocate and powerhouse fundraiser (ask me about the dinner dance), not about the master's degree I completed with a 3.9 GPA while working full time, not about the books I'm reading (come on!  I was an English major!!), not about my artistic projects (holiday revelry is coming in two months! care to help?), not about my travels (I travel America by train!) nothing.  It hurts.  (Meanwhile, my married or coupled friends get all the interest in the world for the most mundane things in their lives!  If I can pay attention while you talk about when you and your spouse go grocery shopping, you can pay attention to the details of my thesis defense.  I promise you won't be bored!)  Sometimes, I feel as though adding a partner to the mix would make people pay attention to me or take an interest in me like they do my coupled friends.  I've wondered about that, but I wouldn't want to use that partner just to make people pay attention to me.  That trope is really harmful, and I really wish that this story weren't framed in a way that celebrates it rather than shows it for what it is.  Just look at the title of that video.  There's nothing about the opportunity to share about her non-profit (she even practiced the questions with her partner), nor about what she does.  It's just about how "she says yes."

Well, I haven't been in a relationship for two years now, but even though I have no partner, I know exactly what I'd say if I were in that situation.  No "I do" for me--it's a case of "I don't"!  Because that's what anyone who took away my moment from me would get!

The snake in the bamboo

There is an old story about a snake who, while gliding its way through the forest, comes upon a long bamboo stick. The snake had never seen such a thing before and, being curious, stuck its head into the opening. The inside of the bamboo stick was dark and the snake found the shape of the stick quite challenging to work its way through. The snake began to feel anxious, grief-stricken, and eventually a little depressed that it was now stuck inside this foreign, very tight, shadowy object. However, once the snake's body was completely inside of the bamboo stick, it realized that it could not back out. It could only move forward, in the dark, and straighten itself out before it could reach the other side.

Hunted

It's not that I can't handle not being in charge
But rather that I never asked for this.
I feel your eyes on me, though I can't see you
And I strongly sense something is amiss.

After years of chasing what I desire,
I find myself paralyzed in your crossfire.
I don't want to be hunted, but I don't want to hide
I just want to send you running right out of my life.

It's not that I don't desire romance
But rather that I don't want it with you.
You're a part of my life that stays in the past
There's no present and no future too.

You're someone I wish I had never met.
I can't see you, but you've broken my will
No one else remembers, but I can't forget
It's been years and I feel unsafe still

After years of chasing what I desire,
I find myself paralyzed in your crossfire.
I don't want to be hunted, but I don't want to hide
I just want to send you running right out of my life.

Spare me your words, I don't want to hear
You'll find that this game is no longer fun
You messed with the wrong girl cause I'm out of fear
I'm standing up strong and I will make you run.

Get the hell out of here, or I'll chase you away
There really is nothing more that I can say
No one else remembers, but you won't forget
When you've done something you'll live to regret.

After years of chasing what I desire,
I find myself paralyzed in your crossfire.
I don't want to be hunted, but I don't want to hide
I just want to send you running right out of my life.
And you will be running right out of my life!

(C) Revel With a Cause Productions