I want a fearless love, I won't settle for anything less

I figured that "Fearless Love" was as good of a title as any for this post. This is the title track off Melissa Etheridge's latest CD, not the similarly titled Taylor Swift one (not too much of a Swift fan). I've been listening to a lot of Melissa's bluesy heartland-rock groove lately, and she is absolutely spectacular.

But all music musings aside, I am going to discuss something a little different in this post. I'm writing to discuss the phenomenon of the mainstream dating book. I know these things are as old as it gets, but I really feel so bombarded with the messages from them. It really seems like a woman with her own mind and own interests and desires is somehow not welcome in these books and that their prevailing message is that we independent and successful women need to subsume our own identities into that of our significant other's. It really makes me wonder how far we have come as a society if books like those can still make the bestseller list (meaning somebody must be buying them) and people still repeat the ideas they promote!

I was curious about a few of them, so I put on an emotional hazmat suit, flipped through them, and immediately regretted it. You have The Rules, which encourages its female readers to play hard to get and let their man decide everything. By playing hard to get, its (divorced!!) authors explained, a woman would have to downplay her own accomplishments or desires and not look for much more than a pulse in a partner. You have books for teens, which are all geared towards pleasing a guy, lest he turn into a potential boyfriend. You have those paragons of ridiculosity Steve Harvey (Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man) and "Dr." Laura (The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands) who warn that men are "hardwired" to always want to control their wives. And you have what looks like more of the same in The Man Whisperers, which says that there's only room for one personality in the relationship and that personality sure isn't the woman's. I mean, what century are these authors even living in??? In a world where we women have made tremendous strides and most men have come to expect that we are not extensions of or mirrors for them, how is it that drivel like this still exists??? (Not to mention that not every woman wants a man, but in the dating books, gay men and lesbians don't seem to exist.) And how the heck is it that a new book is out almost every year, rehashing the same old thing?

Not only are the books sexist against both men and women (by making men seem as though they expect the world to revolve around them and making women seem like little more than marriage-minded extensions of men), heterosexist, and marriage-centric, they also make me wonder how a relationship they advise could ever be successful. Who would want a relationship that was built on deception and manipulation? Who wants a significant other who was only pretending to be a certain way? And who would really be happy with somebody who didn't care about her accomplishments or desires or anything else that made up who she was? I don't know about you, but those do not strike me as relationships that would make anybody happy or that would be all that successful if I was pretending to be something I wasn't (or following the rules, acting like a lady but thinking like a man, or man-whispering). Perhaps the relationship would work, but it does not seem like one that I would be all that happy to be in. I'm not a man, nor do I usually partner with women, but I can tell you that I would much rather be with someone who was her own person and brought her own personality to the relationship than someone who merely acted like an extension of me!

It also makes me wonder if those books aren't merely extensions of the authors' own prejudices and attitudes as well. Maybe with "Dr." Laura and Steve Harvey, it's a no-brainer, but I wonder about the others. Like, let's keep the ladies in their places by telling them that guys won't like them if they become too strong or successful. Gotta return to those good old days of being chattel. Which then really makes me wonder if the women who wrote the Rules or the Man Whisperers even follow their own guidelines and how that even works for them! Do they even practice what they preach, and if so, does that work? Or if they either don't do it or don't like it, then why in the world are they trying to make other people do it??

It's high time we heard a different voice. Isn't it time for some equality?

Raging revel

So now I'm about to get serious and historical on you all. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I got really upset the other day as a history buff and activist ally can. I was driving through the residential area of Waukegan, one of the larger towns in the county when I saw this house with a huge Confederate flag flying in front of it. And by huge, I mean you couldn't drive near the neighborhood without seeing that thing.

This really irked me for a lot of reasons. I really don't like what that CSA flag stands for, and I can easily say that I hate seeing it flown. Or on bumper stickers. Or pretty much anywhere you find the stars and bars. Honestly, I really don't know what some people's preoccupation with the antebellum South really is all about. Some say it's all about their "heritage," but the CSA only lasted 4 years. The United States as a country has been around for over 50 times that long! So, 4 years is not exactly much in the way of heritage. I don't see many 13-star American flags flying, nor many flags with 48 stars. So why this one? And when you really think about it, that period was among the ugliest in American history. Considering that a huge proportion of the population was considered chattel and oppressed, I really fail to see why anybody would want to put up a flag honoring that. You don't see countries that had ethnic cleansing or genocide or something else horrible in their past having some sort of nostalgia or wistfulness for that.

As an anti-racist white ally (and yes, I know that there are some problems with allies and progressives as well, as I detailed a couple posts ago), that flag really leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Why the glorification of this period, that was dependent on racism and slavery? Why the glorification of a region that seceded so it could own other human beings? That's just disgusting! But what especially irked me was where its owner chose to fly it. The city of Waukegan's at least 70% non-white (primarily black and Latino/a), so I really don't want to know what kind of a message its owner was trying to send. With that sort of a loaded history behind the flag (and with anyone's knowledge of Waukegan's demographics!), it definitely comes across as anything but innocuous. It comes across as pretty damn hostile if you ask me.

I would never trespass on private property and I am not into vandalism; however, I can't say I didn't feel tempted to spray paint the words, "Your side lost! Get over it by now!" all over their lawn in response to that damn flag.

Best of Lake County

In light of my last post, allow me to present: My favorites! This list has my faves of Lake County, IL with the town listed after it. I tried to avoid putting chains on there in the interests of buying local. So without further ado...

Sandwich: Tina's Italian Bake Shop (Gurnee)
Place to take the parents: The Vine (Grayslake)
Salad: Tina's Italian Bake Shop (Gurnee)
Park: West Park (Lake Forest)
Ambience: Firkin (Libertyville), in particular on Thursdays because that's BLUES NIGHT with a large live band!
Ice Cream: Shirl's (Waukegan)
Burger: Mickey Finn's (Libertyville)
Fries: Mickey Finn's (Libertyville)
Place to snore in public: Anywhere your crush isn't
Politician: Terry Link (The man is super-progressive and super-nice to speak to as well. One of the good guys.) or Susan Garrett (met her and she's got some great ideas)
Pancakes: Wildberry (Libertyville)
Fine dining: 545 North (Libertyville). Or if you want to be really, really kitschy and over-the-top, then choose Night 'N Gale (Highwood)
Diner: Paragon (Waukegan). Love Greek greasy spoons? You'll love this one!
Barbecue: Main Street Smokehouse (Libertyville)
Vintage: Horsefeathers is the United Nations of vintage shops, and it's open 368 days out of the year (says so on their sign!). (Waukegan)
Used store: Thrifty Couture (Gurnee) for clothes, The Chaplaincy (Waukegan) for books. Sadly, there aren't many used CD stores around. May Dog Ear and Music Recyclery's memories be eternal!
Stir fry: AHA Sushi (Gurnee)
Mexican food: Jerry's Tacos (Waukegan)
Asian food: Sushi Thai (Libertyville) or Kori (Highwood)
Bookstore: Original bookstores? Oh, what wouldn't I give for more of them in the county! I guess I would say The Chaplaincy (Waukegan), though I do want to check out This Old Book (Grayslake) sometime.
Fast food: Morgan's (Libertyville)
First date location: Firkin (Libertyville). Come on Thursday when it is blues night and watch your date be impressed. No extra cover for the music, and it's all ages too!
Makeout spot in public: Making out in public is just plain rude. Get a room!
Place to bowl: The Alley! (Highwood) Bowling, billiards, live music, and a bar? All this rock 'n' bowl goodness is located in a microscopically little town, but when you've got all this entertainment at the ready, who cares?
Place to watch the Sunrise: On the Metra train when you're half asleep and half pissed off that you have to be in Springfield by 9 AM and wondering who comes up with the schedule for your conference anyway. Okay, I am done venting, for now...:P
Chicken wings: Mama K's (Gurnee)
Milkshake: Exmoor Country Club (Highland Park). They can make even milkshakes fancy!
Pizza: Jimano's (Gurnee)
T-shirts: Anything bought at Horsefeathers! (Waukegan) What did you think I was going to say?
Grocery Store: Mariano's (Libertyville). Sunset Foods, watch ya back.
Band to watch at a bar: Shoot! I've seen way too many good bands at bars. I like Vance Kelly and his Backstreet Blues Band who play at the Firkin (Libertyville), most of the acts at Mickey Finn's (also Libertyville), most of the acts at Green Town Tavern (Waukegan) and the Fuel Room (Libertyville) also books some mid-size acts. Highwood's Alley and Backstage Lounge also have some diverse performers, but their acts are sort of hit-or-miss. Maggie Speaks (Gurnee) is also very good and they perform almost anywhere.
Concert venue: The gorgeous, restored Genesee Theater (Waukegan)
Dive bar: Island Tap (Libertyville)
Classy bar: Mickey Finn's (Libertyville) or Green Town Tavern (Waukegan)
Place to buy music: My favorite used CD store, Dog Ear, closed. May its memory be eternal!
Drink selection: Firkin (Libertyville)
Chill bar: Gabe's Backstage Lounge (Highwood)
DJ bar: McCarthy's (Vernon Hills)
Bar food: Mickey Finn's (Libertyville)
Concert venue: Highdive and Krannert Center
After-hours food: The only place for that is Avalon (Gurnee). Not the best, but it will do if you need someplace that's open 24 hours and offering you coffee the minute you step in the door.
Coffee shop: Something's Brewing (Grayslake)
Art gallery: Hmmm....any of the venues that magically turn into galleries during ArtWauk (Waukegan)
Local website: http://www.findhelplakecounty.org
Radio Station: The best known one of these is 102.3 XLC.

Local, Loyal, and Loving It

When I was in undergrad, I couldn't get enough of all the independently owned businesses in Champaign-Urbana. When my classmates would buy their clothes for a night out at Kohl's or Macy's, I would instead dig up some thrift shop finery at Dandelion or Le Shoppe to wear. Instead of grabbing my morning coffee at Starbucks, I'd walk a little further to Caffe Paradiso or Bar Giuliani (may its memory be eternal!). It was pretty easy to support local businesses because there were just so many of them!

I love buying local. Often have. Rather than going to a chain or big-box store, I try (if I can help it or afford it) to support places that are operated by people who work and live in the community. A quick look at the Chamber of Commerce's website would give me all the information I needed to tell if someplace was a franchise or not, and once I figured out where it was, I would go.

Coming back up to this area got me really wondering if I'd still be able to continue buying local and loyal. Not to be mean or rude, but I'd always considered this area the land of the chain stores and restaurants, a veritable desert when it came to original businesses. When I decided on going to school in the city and got my job, I wondered if I'd be able to still shop as originally as I act.

Well, I'm glad to know that I was wrong. I think the best cure for any sort of worry like that would be to look a little closer. Some of my best finds came totally unexpectedly, like when I was driving to meet with a funder or wandering around a new downtown. So I can't have Le Shoppe because it's 3 hours away? I got Horsefeathers in my backyard for my import/vintage/head shop needs. No B.Lime around for non-pretentious beautifying? I've found J-Beauty for my local supplier. Sick of Starbucks? There's Something's Brewing nearby. Bored with everything the county has to offer? (As if!) Well, Chicago's only a train ride away!

I guess the moral of the story, when it comes to buying local and buying loyal, is just to look a little closer. Sure, no two towns are created equal, but there are good things to be found just about everywhere. I'm still local, still loyal, and still loving my area. And when I head downstate, I make sure to hit up my old haunts because my love of local doesn't stop up north.

It's still not okay

I've really come to notice a fairly common trend in some of the arguments/disagreements I've been having with some of my progressively-minded acquaintances. So I think I am going to settle this once and for all by putting my view online where everybody can see it and so there is no confusion.

I love my fellow progressives. Really and truly, I do. I really appreciate the work and effort they take to make this world a nicer and better place. THAT SAID, this does not mean I am going to be fine if they make a comment or statement that is somehow intolerant or perpetuating prejudice. I'm talking about the liberal-minded person who makes a racial remark and defends it by saying, "I can't be racist! I voted for Obama, didn't I?" I'm talking about the so-called ally who makes some sort of sexist or heterosexist joke and then defends him or herself by bringing up the litany of things s/he does to empower the community that was just dissed.

Let me make this clear, once and for all, I do not care who you are when you make intolerant statements.

IT'S STILL NOT OKAY.

If something sounds bigoted or intolerant, it does not matter who is saying that. It is STILL wrong and it STILL perpetuates the inequality. You do not get a pass because you are somehow liberal or progressive. A true progressive or egalitarian does not participate in behavior that makes this world a meaner place. And you do not get a pass because you voted for a certain candidate or may have done certain activities in the past. It is "everyday" words and actions that perpetuate and promote inequality because they create an atmosphere where that is considered "normal." A person doesn't have to be a card carrying member of a hate group to contribute to this toxic atmosphere, but we all have a part to play in dismantling it. The first step is watching our language and our actions.

So I will continue calling out that behavior and words. No matter who's saying that, it's still not right. And I expect that if I engage in it, I would like to be told about it so I know not to anymore.